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Big 12 Power Rankings: Week Fourteen

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Let's 'ave some fun.

We hold ourselves to a standard here, folks. A standard of mediocrity.
We hold ourselves to a standard here, folks. A standard of mediocrity.
Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

My professor used some stellar Jeff Long logic this morning to justify his error on a test he gave us, so I am feeling extra stabby and sassy this Monday. Since the rankings did not change from last week (with the exception of Tech taking Kansas's eighth spot), I figured I will rank the Big 12 using the infallible logic of one Joffrey Long.

10. Oklahoma State Cowboys

Have you seen their color? It's hideous. And that Pistol Pete character is terrifying. And suing other schools for copying your mascot is rich when you yourself are a Xerox copy of Texas Tech. King Joffrey deems you worthy of last place.

9. Kansas Jayhawks

They lost to Kentucky. It is a good loss because ESS EEE SEE but they also haven't played nobody.

8. Iowa State Cyclones

For a B1G team, they're pretty good. They would have gotten a nice boost if they played Minnesota though.

7. Texas Tech Red Raiders

I clearly cannot put them below their clones. I don't care that they lost the head-to-head, their records are not anywhere near the same! Tech played my darling Arkansas. I probably should put them higher...

6. Baylor Bears

Did you see the way they played against Tech? Obviously they are only a mid-tier team. No, I don't care that their quarterback was knocked out of the game on an allegedly dirty hit. This team didn't even beat Oklahoma, Texas, or TCU, for goodness sake! And they lost to West Virginia, who, despite playing Alabama close at a "neutral" site, is a mediocre team at best.

5. West Virginia Mountaineers

The 'Eers led TCU for three quarters, so it was kind of like they won. Also Holgorsen scares me.

4. Kansas State Wildcats

That windbreaker-wearing old man can coach, I'll give him that. He did lose to Auburn, but that is a good loss because the SEC West is the best division of the history of time and shall reign on the Iron Throne for all of eternity.

3. TCU Horned Frogs

Joffrey is king. Kings wear purple. So does my executioner's house, House Payne. TCU also has that amazing win over Baylor, but they're a small school and small schools don't bring in money. This is their ceiling.

2. Texas Longhorns

I would put the Stronghorns first because of all the money they make...if they didn't lose to OU. Head-to-head matters, plebeians.

1. Oklahoma Sooners

Ah. The best school in the land behind my Razorbacks. The Sooners have a lovely shade of red as their house color and they bring in all sorts of money and fans for the Committee. If they were in the SEC, they'd be number one.

Joffrey's Infallible Top Ten

You can disagree. You can also end up like Ned Stark.

1. Alabama Crimson Tide - Roll SEC Roll

2. Oregon Ducks - That Mariota kid could have won the Heisman if he came to Arkansas

3. Ohio State Buckeyes - Like the Starks, the Buckeyes cleave through their paltry neighbors but have trouble coming South.

4. Arkansas Razorbacks - SEC LOSSES ARE GOOD LOSSES

5. Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions - Sure, they're a 4-7 FCS team, but their mascot is the GOLDEN LIONS. A Lannister loves lions.

6. Texas A&M Aggies - They had that johnny guy a while back so they're probably still good. They beat Arkansas too.

7. Mississippi State Bulldogs - Much like my Hound, no one really knows the true strength of a team that has had its face held to the fire a time or two.

That's my Top Ten. Why only seven, you ask? Well it's because the only the first three-fourths really matter!