Well folks, Baylor lost. If you take a gander at my Twitter posts from Saturday, you can get a feeling for what I thought about the game. Now, a disclaimer: Baylor shot itself in the foot numerous times, but the refs helped by shooting them in the kneecaps. I'm not making excuses for the game. That being said, I don't feel like doing a boring old rankings post and I ain't about to pass up a prime opportunity to mock the incompetent Big 12 officials. Let's get to it.
SCENE: ALLEN FIELDHOUSE
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
- REF ONE
- REF TWO
- CHARLIE WEIS
10. Kansas Jayhawks (+0)
REF ONE: "Gawrsh, these Kansas Jayhawks sure are good! Boss man Dan Beebe says we cain't call nuttin' 'gainst 'em though. Not sure why he felt the need to say that; I ain't ever seen no Jayhawk commit no foul."
REF TWO: "Say... Why ain't there anybody here? It's Saturday night, there should be a basketball game goin' on!"
CHARLIE WEIS ENTERS
WEIS: "Yous guys waiting for basketball too?"
RO: "Charlie! You coach basketball now? What happened to our Fearless Leader, Master Self?"
CW: "Naw. Yous guys ain't heard? I gots myself fired for in-comp-e-tence or something like that. This Bowen character took my job."
RT: "Kansas has a football team?!"
CW: "Yeah, and them suckers gave me a fat stack o' cash to do nothing."
RO: "Hey man, us too!"
WEIS AND THE REFS PROCEED TO SMOKE CIGARS AND LAUGH AT THOSE WHO HIRED THEM
9. Iowa State Cyclones (+0)
In a shocking turn of events, the Iowa State-Texas game did NOT turn out to be decided by an official. Iowa State just got outplayed at the end, so there's nothing really funny to say about this game, which is unfortunate because Iowa State-Big 12 official showdowns are comedy gold. I guess we'll just have to wait until ISU-KU play in basketball for the Cyclones to get screwed over.
8. Texas Tech Red Raiders (+0)
REF ONE: "Hey Charlie, you know a team I like to peen-a-lize? Tech. It gets their fans so darn riled up! They start throwin' tortillas and batteries and other crazy stuff like that. I mean, who does that?!"
REF TWO: "You'd think with a coach as attractive as Kingsbury we refs would be distracted, but that's where you're wrong. We are in a serious monogamous relationship with this little beauty right here."
REF TWO TAKES OUT HIS YELLOW PENALTY FLAG AND CARESSES IT
RO: "Honestly, I just wish I could flag Tech for their run defense. Penalty! Unsportsmanlike Conduct. Failure to appear. 15 yards from the spot of the foul. Automatic first down."
7. Texas Longhorns (+0)
RT: "Charlie, how did it feel to be the 'Other Charlie' in the conference?"
CW: "Yous knows whats Is thinks? Is thinks that this Charlie Strong fellow is taking the job too seriously. Takes it from me, coaching football is all about attitude. If you've got a laid-back attitude, your players will be more comfortable playing. Simple physics."
RO: "Well now I ain't know 'bout that. This Strong man done got himself a defense. He's the anti-Kingsbury. My, he even went an' found himself some 'semblance of an offense. Sure, 'twas 'gainst Iowa State, but still."
CHARLIE WEIS SHRUGS AND PROCEEDS TO LIGHT ANOTHER CIGAR WITH A $100 BILL
6. Oklahoma State Cowboys (-1)
RO: "Y'all hear 'bout this Ty-reek Hill feller? He nearly run so fast that I cain't get my flag out in time!"
RT: "Sure, but what about that Boykin kid? The TCU fans were saying we screwed him over against Baylor. If that's the case, why didn't we screw 'em over against Okie State? Huh? Logic that, haters. Even we have standards."
CW: "Exactly. I know what bad football teams look like and the Cowboys are quickly becoming one of them. Heck, they may lose to Texas. That'll get you fired, Gundy."
5. Oklahoma Sooners (-2)
RO: "That Snyder feller he's'a devil worker man I tell you what I ain't wanna get in no trouble with him he'll mess you up."
RT: "Beebe is probably going to be mad at us for letting Oklahoma lose at home though. We'll just have to work extra hard against Baylor."
4. West Virginia Mountaineers (+2)
MULLET MAN: "HEYYY Y'ALL WANT SOME SHINE B'FORE THIS BAYLOR GAME?"
RO: "Man bring that right on over here I love me sum moon ain't nuttin' like it ta clear up your senses before a big day!"
RT: "Aw, what the heck? Not like anyone will get mad at us for doing our job. Let's get wasted."
3. Baylor Bears (-2)
A WEST VIRGINIA RECEIVER SLIPS BUT NOBODY TOUCHED HIM
MM: "HEY REF YOU IDIOT DONCHU REMEMBER DAT SHINE I DONE GAVE YOU DO SUMMIN!"
RO: "After further review I decided that slippin' is a penalty so uh yeah first down."
RIGHT BEFORE HALF
RT: (TO REF ONE) "Hey, we sure are calling a lot of pass interference penalties on Baylor. You would think they would learn to not touch the receivers. Or play defense at all, really. Their best best is to send in Texas. Or Kansas Basketball. Neither of those teams could possibly lose when we're in control. Also...why are we earlier in the day now? Weren't we in Kansas this evening talking about games that happened today but now haven't happened?"
RO: "Hush yer mouth and stop tryin' to logik me. Look. I gonna call penalties on Baylor cause their coach didn't acknowledge my greatness when I went over to him. He started talkin' bout dogs huntin' and sumtin insane like that. He a madman and I dun like that."
RT: "Seems fair. Oops! The Mountaineers just threw a pass with an ineligible receiver downfield. Best review that. We can review that, right? Yeah, sure, why not?"
RO: "After further review, touchdown Alabama! Roll Tide!"
CW: "Guys, Briles looks pretty ticked off. Yous guys might want to not do th-"
RO: "Shut yer trap and siddown."
RT: "West Virginia sure is having trouble with the Baylor defense. I think we need to call some more penalties to help them along. We can't do the fans wrong after they shared their alcohol with us, can we?"
RO: "Yer gosh darn right we cain't. Penalty! Baylor! Having Baylor on their jerseys!"
2. Kansas State Wildcats (+1)
MM: "YAHOOOOOOOOOOO WE DONE BEAT BAYLOR ALL BY OUR LONESOME LET'S GO BURN THE TOWN DOWN"
RO: "'All by them lonesomes?' Ungrateful sons of ... we'll show 'em next time what you need to do in the Big 12 to win. You need us!"
RT: "Dang right. Well, us and Beebe's approval."
1. TCU Horned Frogs (+1)
CW: "So, who are yous guys gonna screw over next week?"
RO: "Well Baylor ain't playin' cus we done scurred 'em off so I guess whoever Texas is playin'."
CW: "Texas plays at Kansas State."
RO: "I ain't scurred o' no snyderwizardman. We're the real power in this here conference."
Top Ten and Final Fours
The top ten is difficult. The SEC seems to get rewarded for playing each other, but the Big 12 and Pac-12 "cannibalize" themselves for playing each other. By default, I'll go ahead and put the undefeateds in the top three.
1. Mississippi State Bulldogs
After that, there's numerous one-loss teams. Here's my attempt to rank them based solely off best win/best loss:
4. Auburn Tigers - Win @ KSU, loss @ Miss St
5. TCU Horned Frogs - Win vs KSU, loss @ Baylor
6. Alabama Crimson Tide - Win vs WVU, loss @ Ole Miss
7. Oregon Ducks - Win vs Michigan State, loss vs Zona
8a. Kansas State Wildcats - Win @ OU, loss vs Auburn
8b. Baylor Bears - Win vs TCU, loss @ WVU
10. Michigan State Spartans - Win vs Nebraska, loss @ Oregon
Honestly, the list from four down is a total mess right now and could be ranked in any way.
Current Playoff would be the top four from above (blech). Final playoff would be SEC West winner, FSU, Big 12 winner, and Pac-12 winner if Oregon, else Michigan State, if they win, else SEC West runner-up.