EDITOR'S NOTE: This post is not true. It is satire.
We don't typically try to break news here on ODB, instead relying on legitimate and seasoned reporters (or the school itself) to do all that for us. But today, we can announce that Baylor has agreed in principle to a 2019 football game with Trump University, which has only existed online to date and is currently being sued for lots and lots of money for probably being a massive scam.
When reached for comment on the campaign trail this morning about the rumored game, which will take place at a stadium Trump plans to build that will definitely NOT be in China, Trump said the following with respect to how his University plans to field a team capable of playing Baylor in just three years:
Look. We can build a team in three years. We're building a team. Okay? And I understand what you're saying. And I get that from so many people. How can you build a team? I'm building a team – nobody builds teams better than me, believe me – and I’ll build it very inexpensively. I will build a great, great team to play the football game. How about the man with that beautiful red hat? Stand up! Stand up! What a hat!
Considering that quote offered almost no explanation whatsoever, one reporter pressed Trump on how his team could possibly stop a high-flying offense like Baylor's, which is consistently at or near the top of college football every single year.
We'll have a great defense, believe me. Nobody gets attacked more than me, and nothing hurts. We'll start up front. We'll build a wall -- a beautiful wall -- and I will make Baylor pay for it. Mark my words.
Reading between the lines a bit, it appears that Trump plans to follow the SEC model in building his team by focusing on the defensive line and openly paying players. There's no real way to know what that will mean when he's basically starting from scratch and has just three years, but the plan is not unprecedented: Auburn did basically the same thing and won a national championship with Gene Chizik in the 2010-2011 season.
From the Baylor side, when he was reached for comment while running the Bear Trail this morning, Art Briles offered the following:
I told everybody that I'd fight a man with three children and a nice house any day over a man that's living out of a car, and Trump has a lot of houses. I'd rather sleep with no sheets than gold sheets. That's #reality.
Baylor has not yet confirmed this report, and probably won't. That being said, when they do, the release will probably go up here.