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Art Briles deserves a helicopter.

Yesterday, a grainy image of a helicopter emblazoned with Baylor marks started making the rounds, much to the chagrin of current students afraid that their fees might rise to cover the expense. To those people, I say ... Briles gets what he wants.

Come with me if you want to SWAGG OUT.
Come with me if you want to SWAGG OUT.
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

When Guy Morriss first came to Baylor, they made a relatively big deal out of the fact that he had a motorcycle and loved to ride it. One of the years, I can't remember which, the introductory video actually had him astride that hog, and they featured it in the press materials. It was a dark time.

What's better than a motorcycle, you ask? A helicopter, that's what. About a million times better. Remember back to that video with Morriss and how cheesy it was in retrospect, made all the worse by a sound system at FCS that didn't always work and a jumbotron that is jumbo only in name. Now imagine Baylor Stadium in 2014 with 45,000 members of Baylor Nation, ready to see something they've never seen before.

I'm thinking you start in a jungle setting with Briles, Montgomery, and Bennett pouring over maps and logs. The enemy is out there, somewhere, we just don't know where. Word comes in from the front of a massive surprise attack, and everyone is falling back. Everyone, that is, except Art f'ing Briles, who jumps into a Blackhawk helicopter painted green and gold. He's going to the front as That Good Old Baylor Line blares.

As the video ends, you hear the THUMP-THUMP-THUMP of a helicopter's rotor blades in the distance. You hear it before you see it. Then, suddenly, THERE'S A DAMN HELICOPTER ENTERING THE STADIUM THROUGH THE OPEN ENDZONE.*

*Don't care that this is probably not at all safe in a somewhat enclosed space, it's a fantasy. Leave me alone.

Art Briles is in the doorway, waving to the crowd. Liam Neeson is with him for some unexplained reason, but nobody questions it. The chopper lands at midfield. He steps down. His team pours on to the field as it takes off, leaving the way it came. The crowd goes absolutely crazy. SMU's entire team stands in awe of the sight. And Baylor beats them 63-3.


When I was in school, our coach didn't deserve a helicopter. He'd probably have made beer runs with Bill Bradley in it, anyway. His predecessor didn't deserve one, either, as Mr. Pope so hilariously pointed out on twitter. Art Briles deserves a helicopter. And whatever else Batman might have had in his arsenal, like a green and gold tumbler.