Baylor family, a new season is upon us! There have now been countless articles, podcasts, and tweets regarding the expectations for Baylor and the Big 12 as we enter the 2022 season. What I think we may be lacking is an easy to understand and delicious (sometimes) way to look at the teams we play against in the Big 12 conference. For the refined CFB fan who enjoys a nice glass of something distilled on gamedays, and better yet, for the Bear fans out there who help drive us to victory each week by observing “The Ritual”, a different kind of look at the conference is just what the doctor ordered.
For those unaware, The Ritual began in 2020, a season where many who would’ve made the trip to Waco to enjoy gameday festivities with their friends, stayed home and social distanced during the COVID-19 Pandemic. In response, Baylor fans, led by #BaylorTwitter favorite @mikethinksaloud with his poetic and hype filled monologues, began starting each game with a drink of their preferred whiskey. Soon, The Ritual was born, and there hasn’t been a game since that Baylor fans haven’t submitted pictures and videos of themselves partaking in the ritual.
As a result, I have consulted the man himself, the Lord of Libations, the Sultan of Scotch, the Baron of Bourbon, the Ruler of Rye, Mr. @mikethinksaloud, on how he and his encyclopedic knowledge of whiskey would rate the Big 12.
So how does each school stand up to our Baylor Nation Sommelier of Strong Drink? Lets find out:
Texas: Pappy van Winkle 23
Insanely overpriced and overvalued. Way too much time in the barrel and prized entirely based on hype and the money you lit on fire to acquire it.
Texas Tech: Fireball
It’s only half whiskey and Texas Tech never fields more than half a team. Also, a distinct unpleasant burning that only makes sense for a team from Lubbock.
My cousin created a shot called Raider Rash that’s fireball and Red Bull. It’s…not bad— Ramblin’ Raiders Entertainment (@RamblinRaiders) March 23, 2022
West Virginia: White Dog Mash
Unaged corn distillate that’s basically moonshine, but watch out because if you drink it wrong it can kill you.
Tim, Josh, Mark and Digger share their favorite moonshine recipes — what’s yours? #Moonshiners— Moonshiners (@MoonshinersTV) May 18, 2022
#MasterDistiller Tournament of Champions
▶️ Finals tonight at 9p ET on @Discovery and @discoveryplus https://t.co/V3OIhEhmYi pic.twitter.com/KpFATlEXeF
It’s reliably good, of course, but it’s not nearly as good as people think it is, no matter how much people insist it’s their favorite, plus it’s really dumb to have a horse involved.
Baylor: Balcones Barrel Strength Single Malt
Of course it’s insane that an award winning, legitimately good whiskey or football team comes from Waco, but anyone who has actually sampled the goods knows the truth. Strong, like a Dave Aranda Defense, but delicate, like Dave Aranda reading you a bedtime story.
I am both celebrating Texas Independence Day and also surviving this game with the same glass of Balcones Texas Single Malt.— Brad Brown (@zoocat) March 3, 2020
Kansas state: High West Rendezvous Rye
Yes, it’s good, but it’s sourced mostly from other places and carefully blended by someone entirely too talented to be doing what they are. Also, it pairs nicely with this clip:
11/17/2012 - The run that sent Floyd Casey into an absolute frenzy. The run that buried #1 K-State. Yeah, THAT Lache Seastrunk run. pic.twitter.com/QDNmLIgDzn— fank (@dfank_BU) November 17, 2020
TCU: Peanut Butter Whiskey
Off-putting smell and a horribly conceived idea. Connoisseurs of the form know to avoid it whenever possible. Frogs should just avoid alcohol, looks weird.
Oklahoma State: Elmer T Lee
Made from the exact same ingredients as Blantons, and frequently better, it doesn’t get the respect it deserves. Both owe a lot to an old white guy with a T in their name.
Make Room & Add a Little Piece of Bourbon History To Your Shelf! Elmer T. Lee Revolutionized Bourbon & These Expressions Are A Must-Have For True Bourbon Fans! pic.twitter.com/v1pWUgycvh— Cask Cartel (@caskcartel) March 11, 2022
Iowa State: Forty Creek Canadian Whiskey
A regional favorite if you’re from …. there… but everyone will go “oh…. Ok” if you profess your love for it. Plus Cyclones can’t seem to drink anything but their favorite libation.
Literally build a Busch Light factory in Orlando to prepare for Iowa and Iowa State fans— Cyclone Larry (@CycloneLarry69) December 5, 2021
Kansas: Glenfiddich Fire & Cane
An acquired taste at best with overpowering notes of rubber, because everyone would rather be playing or licking a basketball than watch Kansas football. Especially Texas fans because they also get to lose to Kansas.