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A Baylor Fan's Rooting Guide to Rivalry Week

LOAD UP ON SOME COLLEGE FOOTBALL INDUCED RAGE TO GO WITH THAT EXTRA SLICE OF BUTTERMILK PIE

By David Fankhauser
CREEPY TREES ARE YOUR FRIEND THIS WEEK
CREEPY TREES ARE YOUR FRIEND THIS WEEK
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

NOT SURE WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS ANGER WHEN THE COMMITTEE ACTUALLY DID A GOOD JOB THIS WEEK BUT WE STILL NEED SOME HELP SO HERE'S WHO YOU'RE ROOTING FOR THIS WEEK:

  • Football Players vs. Season Ending Injuries -- Obviously we need to root harder for football players since they seem to be the underdog in this matchup this year :(
  • Texas Tech @ Texas -- Nothing would make me laugh more than Texas having to come into Waco next weekend saying that playing at Baylor is their bowl game. Please finish them, Tech.
  • Alabama basketball vs. Xavier -- SEC Network tried to slip in Charleston Southern's FCS ranking last week. Don't be fooled if the Tide try to get an SOS boost for their football team by playing a ranked basketball school that doesn't even play football.
  • Navy @ Houston -- UH made a big scene after Baylor lost to Oklahoma, immediately sending out a hawt flame tweet about being the only undefeated team in Texas. They then backed that off by going off and losing to UConn. UCONN! Karma is a cold mistress, Coogs.
  • Oregon State @ Oregon -- In case the committee confuses Oklahoma State for another orange and black OSU, gonna need Oregon State to cover our bases. Go Beavers.
  • Iowa @ Nebraska -- You might think we'd want Iowa to lose but as a proponent of #TeamChaos, I want Nebraska to lose because I want there to not be enough bowl eligible teams to fill all 80 spots. Nebraska has 5 wins with 1 game to play. The NCAA is really taking this potential scenario well, as their resolution has just been to kick the can down the road and hope that it falls into the sewer and no one notices.
  • Tulsa @ Tulane -- Former Baylor OC Philip Montgomery has a chance to take Tulsa to a bowl game in his first year if they can knock off Tulane. It'd be a great accomplishment in a tough American Athletic Conference this year. Sic 'em Tulsa!
  • Iowa State @ West Virginia -- West Virginia has played extremely well since getting out of it's 4 game gauntlet to begin Big 12 play. WVU winning out would only do good things for Baylor's playoff resume.
  • Indiana @ Purdue -- These two play for the Old Oaken Bucket. This trophy historically goes to not necessarily the better team, but the team that sucks not as much.
  • Maryland @ Rutgers -- This right here is what rivalry week is all about.
  • Ohio State @ Michigan -- Jim Harbaugh this week is getting ready for the rivalry game by taking a sledgehammer to an actual buckeye next to Bo Schembechler's grave. NO REALLY HE ACTUALLY DID THAT. How can you root against that? Gotta admire the dedication. He does need to work on his Texas cake drawing though.
  • Florida Atlantic @ Old Dominion -- FAU came sooooo close to knocking off Florida in The Swamp last week. So in order to make the SEC look even worse, hope that Old Dominion beats them to a bloody pulp.
  • Nadwislan Gora @ Rakow Czestochowa -- Czestochowa is a city in southern Poland which is a sister city of South Bend, Indiana, home of Notre Dame. I feel like this is a betrayal by the folks in South Bend to not align with a city in Ireland since Notre Dame is the Fighting Irish. Surely noted Irishman Patches O'Houlihan will not let this injustice stand. A Nadwislan Gora victory should go a long way to diminishing Notre Dame's playoff resume.
  • Virginia Tech @ Virginia -- I'd say root for VT since this will be Frank Beamer's last chance to get bowl eligible but this is probably going to be the last game for both coaches since Virginia is terrible so go ahead and choose your own adventure.
  • Louisville @ Kentucky -- 60,000 people will show up and then be royally pissed off when they find out that it's a football game instead of a basketball game or a whisky tasting.
  • Northwestern vs. Illinois -- We've heard all the bickering about Baylor's non-conference schedule. Next year the Bears open against Northwestern State. Northwestern and Northwestern State both have purple as a main color. Maybe if we can trick the committee into thinking Northwestern is a quality win to prop up Baylor's SOS...
  • Ole Miss @ Mississippi State -- They call this one the Egg Bowl. Because we all know the egg goes with Mississippi about as well as brisket goes with Brooklyn.
  • Cleveland Cavaliers @ Toronto Raptors -- This is apparently Drake night in Toronto. And we all know who Drake's favorite college football team is. #HotlineBriles
  • Notre Dame @ Stanford -- If Baylor has any chance to make the College Football Playoff, Stanford HAS to beat Notre Dame. An 11-1 Baylor is sadly not going to get in ahead of an 11-1 Notre Dame. So go hug a tree for good luck on Saturday and root on Stanford.
  • Huntingdon College @ Mary Hardin-Baylor -- UMHB gives us hope that a school with Baylor in it can get into the playoffs. Now this may be of the Division III variety, but it's got to be an encouraging sign for the Bears.
  • Oklahoma @ Oklahoma State -- Baylor needs an Oklahoma loss to open up the possibility of a Big 12 championship and a playoff berth. Asking Oklahoma State to beat OU after we just ended their national title hopes is like giving someone food poisoning but then encouraging them to win a pie eating contest so you can win a $25 gift card to the Burlington Coat Factory BUT IT MUST BE DONE GO POKES.
  • Arizona State @ California -- Lots of national pundits had SCORCHING HOT TAKES about Baylor's non-conference schedule when the 2016 schedule was released yesterday. It has been pretty well known that Baylor made an attempt to schedule a game in Australia with Cal but Cal backed out so they could still make their fun trip to Australia but play Hawaii instead. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Cal needs to pay.
  • Gary Patterson vs. Thanksgiving Dinner -- Let's just call the gravy boat "4th quarter lead against Baylor" because when Patterson is at the table, both disappear in record time.

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