Alas, the Longhorns and the Sooners appear SEC bound (officially the Screw Everybody Conference). I suppose a deal is only a deal when the ink is dry, but it doesn’t look good. Or it does look good, depending on your personal perspective on such things. The Sooners have done well in the Big 12, particularly in football, and for that they get our tip of the hat. But the Longhorns, those cud crunching, all horns and no brains beasts to the south, have been so mediocre for so long that nobody there has a clue how to fix it. "The Big 12 sucks so bad we can’t win here!" they cry (let that sink in a minute). So they’re taking all of their fame and fortune to become even famer and fortuner (solid SEC words) in their new conference while simultaneously upgrading to a markedly tougher schedule. One has to wonder if they believe their buying power for recruits will finally overcome the pathetic coaching and lack of player development that has been the hallmark of their game. Just in case that’s not it, I’d advise Nick Saban et al to bring along their personal chefs when travelling to Austin. But I digress.
To listen to them, they’ve just never had proper motivation in the Big 12. The lowly Bears, Frogs, Cowboys, Red Raiders, etc. were just not worthy of an effort, I suppose. So now with their Coach de Jour, maybe they’ll "try harder", and somehow be better, in the SEC. One thing we know, money can buy you nice facilities and almost any coach you want (see Saint Nick above), but it can’t directly buy you W’s. They’ve proven that. Oh how they’ve proven that. If "the proof is in the pudding", as my grandpa always said, UT should be a major shareholder in Snack Pack. Fortunately for the rest of us, this epic failure of the Longhorns to convert wealth and privilege into wins on the gridiron has led to many a classic WTF meltdown in the history of the Longhorn message boards, so all has not been lost.
And nobody does melt downs like the Longhorn faithful. Chernobyl looks like a little flare up with a greasy backyard burger compared to the reaction you get from Burnt Toast Nation after an unsanctimonious beat down. And for good reason. Texas should win and win big EVERY YEAR in football, but they don’t. They’ve lost to Kansas (Kansas!) and Maryland back to back, even with The Chosen One smacking the gum and doing the head bashing on the sidelines. They have been battered so badly by the likes of K-State, BYU, Notre Dame, Oklahoma and TCU so many times the Eyes of Texas are swollen shut. But not to worry, they’re not done. If this 2021 season is the last time we, the Eight Leftovers, are to be honored by them allowing us to share the same field with them, we’re guaranteed to see a few more WTF moments from them on the way out. If the Eight Leftovers have failed to motivate Texas, I’m pretty confident Texas has done the opposite.
So because this season is special, I want to challenge everyone’s traditional way of thinking. Each time they deploy their favorite acronym, WTF, after suffering a particularly nasty whipping, you should consider there are potentially multiple meanings behind it, with the conventional conveyance always still in play of course.
First, a few options that might describe Longhorn football in general or how this season most certainly will go for them.
1. Weak Texas Football (kind of sums it all up)
2. Wasted Talent Field
3. Wishful Thinking Fans (no, still not back)
4. Winning Tradition Forgotten (who can remember back that far)
5. Woke Too Far
6. Whiny Texas Flakes (horns down just makes us sad)
7. Where Tom Failed
8. Without Tackling Fundamentals
9. We Target Frequently
10. Where’s The Flag!?
11. Weekly Thrashing by Foes
12. Weathering The Fury
13. Witless Two Fingers (horns still down, the penalty is worth it)
And now a list of WTF’s apropos for their impending journey into the loving arms of the SEC, where football glory awaits!
1. Willing To Flee
2. Withdrawing The Forty
3. Wagering The Future
4. Wagging The Finger (good for a meme)
5. Winning The Finances
6. We’re Through Filming (buh bye LHN)
7. Wedded To Finebaum (100% right 25% of the time)
8. Will Tender a Fortune (go ahead, leave early)
9. Wait, There’s Fifteen? (don’t worry, you will play some of them only once in 10 years)
10. Wishing Twelve Fails
11. Waiting Tide Foaming (a W every time)
12. Waiting Tiger Fangs
13. Weekly T-bones and Fillets (I’ll take Most Edible Mascots for $800, Alex)
14. Win Three or Four
15. Winning Too Few (some things never change)
16. We’ll Take .500 (get used to it)
17. We’ll Turnout Fine (of course you will . . .)
18. Walking Talking Fiasco
19. Witness The Fall (well, considering they really don’t have that far)
20. We’re Texas. Ffffffft (imagine that bottle rocket that fizzled sound)
There you have it. I know the list seems long, but you should be thankful words like "arrogant" and "entitled" don’t start with a W, T or F or I’d have been here all night. So as the cow patty makers in Austin move toward sticking their head through the SEC fence to graze upon greener (money colored) pastures, I say we kick their grass-fed egos one last time, then wish them the best. . . . the best WTF moments that money can buy for all future generations to enjoy.
AND NOW SOME BREAKING NEWS:
From an unnamed but totally reliable source, it’s just been confirmed that as part of the deal with the Screw Everybody Conference, OU will be changing the name of its SB Nation site to Crimson and Cream Automatic Teller Machine (CCATM) where players can get their rewards 24/7.
And even more shocking, the long standing and beloved longhorn steer BEVO will soon be out as the UT mascot! In a show of their commitment to diversity and truth in advertising, UT will be replacing him with a Cash Cow. A naming contest is in the works, but the early favorite for the voluptuous bovine is "Moolah". Of course the O’s will be spelled with zeros, as that’s one tradition that’s still meaningful and relevant. We’ll keep you posted as more news comes in . . . .
Have a great football season everyone. Unless of course you’re a Cash Cow.