The Couldn’t Be Me Recap: Monkey Business

Hellooooooooo Baylor Nation.

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I appreciate everyone that’s reached out over the past few months asking for a return of the Couldn’t Be Me. And even though I’m too busy to go back to doing this consistently, I was born for weekends like this.

So we meet here again at the crossroads of destiny, fate and good old-fashioned schadenfreude. Let us collectively turn our eyes to the haters and losers, of which there are many.

You know what time it is. Let’s get into it.

Iowa State

I despise Iowa State University. I have ever since that 2018 game where our teams got into a fight and then Cyclones fans proceeded to flood Twitter with cries of foul play on our part because we were a bunch of hopeless THUGS with nothing to lose and trying to be big bad meanies and ruin the Big 12 title hopes of their perfect angel children in Ames.

Since that day I’ve wanted nothing but mediocre results and mild annoyance for anyone that has ever loved Iowa State, and thus far my crusade against them having nice things has been successful. For the past few years the best they’ve done in the Big 12 is the football equivalent of being “fancy like Applebee’s on a date night” and I love that for me.

When’s the last time Iowa State (and their Head Coach who is apparently a Boy Genius and annually one of the hottest names on the coaching market) had a big win that actually mattered? Couldn’t tell ya. Baylor has had 3 different head coaches take over under varying levels of scandal and circumstance since Matt Campbell started at Iowa State. All 3 have beaten Matt Campbell. Yes even Jim Grobe, a man who played Candy Crush on the sidelines and just hoped good things happened.

Oh yeah also Iowa State lost to Texas Tech (whose future head coach has been named but does not currently work for them) this weekend on a 62 yard field goal as time expired. A college kicker made a 62 yard field goal against Iowa State. A hopeless thug being a big bad meanie and ending their Big 12 title hopes. Ah well, nevertheless.

Matt Campbell is a fraud and his football team deserves nothing but things like this. Couldn’t be me.

TCU

For reasons I do not have time to discuss, it feels very good to see a team put the fear of god into the TCU Horned Frogs this weekend. Them boys got mollywhopped 63-17 and while I do feel partially embarrassed I also feel a great joy down in my heart.

Thank you for your service, Oklahoma State. This is the final nice thing I will say about you between now and the end of eternity (or if you beat Oklahoma to put Baylor into the conference title game).

Enjoy the supper.

As for TCU, giving up 63 points to Oklahoma State??? Couldn’t Be Me.

Texas A&M

I knew this would happen and I knew it would be a great time.

Texas A&M, alma mater of legendarily overrated fraud Kellen Mond (I’m not bitter and I never have been, You’re bitter. Shut up.), has continued their world-famous tradition of being a fair-to-middling football team that hasn’t accomplished anything of note in my entire life. This time by losing their third game of the season to Ole Miss.

What went wrong for the Aggies? Hard to say exactly but I do know that Zach Calzada did not go right for them.

Tale as old as time. Texas A&M looks really good to start the season, then looks really bad. This time they mixed it up by throwing a win against Alabama in there in the middle, but ultimately that part means nothing to anyone except for Aggies now. Not even the CFP committee.

The Aggies have not won a conference title in football since 1998. That fact is unrelated to this game but it brings me great satisfaction. I feel very good knowing that for the next 8 years or so until they beat Bama again, whenever an Aggie brings it up I’ll get to say “yeah but remember when Ole Miss took your lunch money after that and then you played in the Chili’s 2 for $20 Bowl? Incredible content!”

Couldn’t be me.

Oklahoma

Lincoln Riley and Oklahoma have won the conference 78 times in a row and it’s hard to believe a team like Baylor could compete with them.

I mean Baylor has the worst coach in the Big 12. 247Sports told me so directly to my face. They wouldn’t lie to me would they?

And Oklahoma is the only undefeated team left in the Big 12. They’ve got CFP hopes and not 1 but 2 Heisman hopefuls at QB. It’s literally impossible for Baylor to beat them.

In fact Baylor has only ever beaten Oklahoma 3 times in school history and the last time was in 2014. It simply cannot be done.

UNLESS...

Baylor went out and mauled those boys and held them to the lowest points and yard totals of the Lincoln Riley era. Dave Aranda owns that man.

Jalen “The One Who Stayed” Pitre reminded us once again why he is one of the greatest and most important players in Baylor history:

Hilarious stat lines like this kept popping up throughout the broadcast:

And Gerry Bohanon finally remembered that he is very fast and very strong and that Oklahoma defenders are neither of those things:

Caleb Williams stunk it up even before getting his hand stepped on, and Spencer Rattler also stunk it up off the bench in relief. OU had no answers and Baylor was doing whatever they wanted in the 2nd half. Including stopping the game with 1 second left, letting the fans rush the field, escorting the fans off the field to kick a field goal and increase the final margin of victory, and then letting the fans rush the field again!

Lincoln Riley was uh...not pleased.

But the thing about running up the score is that I would hate if you did it to me but since you can’t do it to me because I’m better than you, I don’t have to worry about that. That idea is what this great country was built on.

In other words, it Couldn’t Be Me.

Texas

First of all, let me just say:

Now that we have that out of the way I want to give you guys a bit of culture. I’ve been learning Dutch for the past few months and want to share something with y’all.

In America, whenever someone lets a secret slip it’s commonly referred to as “letting the cat out of the bag.” In the Netherlands they have a phrase that means functionally the same thing but with a slight twist.

“Nu komt de aap uit de mouw” or, in English, “now the monkey comes out of the sleeve.”

As readers of this website are probably very aware, monkeys both literal and figurative have come out of the sleeves for Texas the past few weeks. They all bit the Longhorns on the arm Saturday night against Kansas and there was no one around to pry their jaws off of the small child.

That’s right. Texas lost to Kansas in football. AGAIN! AT HOME!

The secret is out, there’s no denying it now. Texas STINKS. Sark has a long way to go to get this team in shape to even make a bowl game this year. Let alone to contend in this conference or any other conference in the next several years. He might not make the trip with the Longhorns to the SEC at this rate.

But you don’t need me to tell you why Texas losing to Kansas in football is funny and brings me so much joy. I’m sure you already know that Texas has now lost 5 straight football games for the first time since 1956, the year that the popular dice game Yahtzee was first marketed and sold.

You are very well-read people who already know that Texas is one of 4 teams to lose to Kansas Football twice in the past decade. You already know that at 4-6 Texas now has to win their last 2 games in order to make a bowl game.

If you read this website you already know that Texas is taking all their money to the SEC at some point in the next few years and that they will inevitably lose to the Kansas of that conference as well.

You know how sad it is that Kansas led a game in Austin by 21 points at the half.

You, my highly educated readers, already understand how hilarious and spectacular and heartwarming it is that Kansas pulled off the biggest point spread upset in Big 12 history on a broken 2-pt conversion play in overtime. Almost Disney movie-esque.

I don’t have to explain any of that to y’all.

In fact, to bring any of that up at a time like this would be needlessly petty and beneath me as a man of faith as there’s a drive into deep left field by Castellanos, it will be a home run. And so that will make it a 4-0 ballgame.

I don’t know if Sark will be putting on that headset again.

But what I do know is that no matter how bad it’s gotten for Baylor at our low points over the last 6 years, through all the scandal, regime changes and program upheaval, it COULDN’T. BE. ME.

YAHTZEE!

Thanks for reading, and thanks for caring about these posts over the years. I love each of you dearly and I’ve missed our talks.

Until next time, SIC EM BEARS, GOTDAMMIT!!!