Couldn’t Be Me: Week 2 Feat. Cyclones

HELLOOOOOOOOOO BAYLOR NATION!

It feels so good to be back...kinda! We were supposed to have a game this week against Louisiana Tech but due to <vaguely gestures at outside> that had to be canceled. Apparently we’re playing Houston next week now? Cool. Whatever. Doesn’t matter—that’s not why we’re here; there’s plenty of people in the Baylor-verse writing about that. You know what time it is.

That’s right. We’re here to gaze upon the haters and losers (of which there are many) from the comfort and safety of our DNP-Rona. And boy-oh-boy did they give us something to look at. The Sun Belt went 3-0 against the Big 12 yesterday. In a season that mattered that would be bad but since this year is fake, we get to laugh and laugh and laugh. Let’s get into it.

Kansas

Kansas has a spot on the Couldn’t Be Me reserved for every game they play. If they lose, they’ll be here. If they win, the team they beat will be here because how the heck can you lose to Kansas in football? Any college football program that has lost a game to Kansas in the past decade is unserious and incapable of being considered elite. People try to forget that, but they can’t.

Anyway, Kansas has taken the spot for themselves this week as they lost their opener to Coastal Carolina 38-23. Do not adjust your devices, yes that is the same Coastal Carolina they lost to around this time last year. And as I said last year, there are certain Non-P5 teams you cannot lose to under ANY circumstances. Coastal Carolina is on that list.

I didn’t watch this game because it kicked off at 9pm Central and I love myself too much for that.

BUT apparently it started out super duper ugly.

Props to Kansas and their players for not quitting and making the final score a little more respectable unlike another Big 12 team who we will get to in a minute.

At some point I might feel bad for Kansas Football and their 4 fans for the absolute squalor their program exists in, but we have definitely not reached that point. For now I’m just grateful that it couldn’t be me.

BONUS: If you look in the sky tonight you might be able to see this man in orbit!

Kansas State

There was enough football misery to go around in Kansas yesterday as Kansas State also lost their game by giving up an embarrassing amount of points to a Sun Belt team at home. That team was Arkansas State. To be fair to Kansas State, Arkansas State is a solid squad with a great coach, but that only matters if you care about being fair to Kansas State and I don’t. They abandoned the right to my fairness the day they decided their mascot would just be a guy in a football uniform with a Wildcat head on. WHY DOES HE HAVE REGULAR ARMS AND LEGS IF HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A WILDCAT? COMMIT!!! YOU’RE AN ALLEGEDLY MAJOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL PROGRAM. BUY A FULL COSTUME!

Anyway. The Kansas State student section looked like this:

Knowing everything we know, I can’t possibly imagine taking this risk just to see your favorite team lose to Arkansas State. Speaking of taking big risks related to this game…

YIKES.

If you have $65,000 to burn you can just Venmo it to me, and I promise I’ll do you proud. You don’t have to live this way.

But we should ALL strive to live this way. Stunting in the visitor’s locker room of life on all those we defeat and embarrass.

Couldn’t Be Me.

Iowa State

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…

THE MOMENT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR…

THE PRIDE OF AMES, IOWA…

THEY’RE FRAUDULENT!!!

My Hamilton thing here got sloppy at the end, but it doesn’t matter baby we’ve got Iowa State slander!!!

Brock Purdy was people’s Heisman pick! Allegedly the best returning quarterback in the Big 12!

People called Matt Campbell the best coach in the Big 12!

Iowa State was ranked in the preseason top 25! There’s only like 40 teams playing right now so somebody had to be in it I guess but still!

EVERYBODY LIED!!! THEY LIED TO ME!!!

DEFEND YOURSELVES! Why did you allow a fair-to-middling quarterback and a coach whose biggest career accomplishment is a loss in the Alamo Bowl fool you AGAIN? Y’all do this every year. You tell me that Brock Purdy is going to take another step forward. He’s got all the tools. He looks the part. A coach on the field. He’s sneaky athletic! He can make all the throws! Whole time he couldn’t make any of the throws against the Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns. Make it make sense to me.

Every year y’all tell me Matt Campbell is a great coach. Quietly, one of the best in the country. WHY? Because he can get Iowa State to 7 wins consistently? He wasn’t even the best coach in the conference named Matt until a few months ago. Matt Rhule stripped an entire program down to the studs and rebuilt it faster than Matt Campbell could even say “10-win season”. Why do y’all keep falling for the Iowa State okey-doke?

Don’t say you didn’t know they were frauds, cause I told you! We all told you! Iowa State STINKS. They stunk before, they stink now, and I hope they stink forever!

And the worst part about their fraudulent coach is that him and his team QUIT. The Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns made them boys FOLD. Matt Campbell saw his team down 10 points at home with 2 timeouts left and he decided the best thing to do was let Louisiana go on a 7 minute drive to score a touchdown and just take the 2 timeouts home with him to use for later or something. It was PATHETIC. Absolutely disgusting work out of the Cyclones. I’ll never forget watching it. And I’ll never forgive y’all for lying to me REPEATEDLY about that football team.

Get Iowa State out of my face and out of your Top 25 forever. Could NEVER be me.

Thanks for reading. See y’all next week!