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Couldn’t Be Me Weekly(???) Recap: Weeks 1-4

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The Wait is Over.

NCAA Football: Baylor at Rice Thomas B. Shea-USA TODAY Sports

Hello.

It’s me.

I was wondering if after all this time you’d like to meet.

To go over...everything.

Hellooooooooo Baylor Nation. It’s been a minute. I’ve been very busy, a little depressed, and honestly pretty lazy so I haven’t written the Couldn’t Be Me at all this season. Whoops. My b. But what matters now is that I am here, I am back on my bull$!%*, and we will be discussing all of the haters and losers - of which there are many - around college football from the first 4 weeks of the season. Let’s get into it.

Stephen F Austin, UTSA, and Rice

Eat it, losers.

Couldn’t be me.

Texas

This year was the year. Texas was back. Sam Ehlinger was gonna be a Heisman winner. Texas was the real DBU.

And then Joe Burrow said damn all that.

I know it’s very hard for any of us to fathom Texas losing a top 25 matchup at home after a lot of pregame hype and trash talking but it really happened I promise. Tom Herman got outcoached by Ed Orgeron. Shocking I know.

The Longhorns’ are still pretty highly ranked because they’ve done what they were supposed to do in their other 3 games and were overrated coming into the season but that doesn’t change the fact that LSU came and let em hang all over the Longhorns secondary.

Couldn’t Be Me.

These 2 dudes and everyone else who plays for Vandy

Speaking of LSU letting em hang...

You can’t allow an offensive lineman to stunt on you like this. You just can’t.

And then he did it again to your homeboy on the same damn play? You got to come up fighting. I mean all evidence would suggest you’ll lose the fight, but you still gotta fight on principle.

Fortunately there’s only like 8 Vandy football fans and none of them actually go to the games so this disrespect didn’t occur in front of their friends and family. But still man...couldn’t be me.

Texas A&M

Texas A&M has shown 2 modes so far this season:

Dominate An Overmatched FCS Team Mode and Look Entirely Helpless Against A P5 Team Because Your Walking Piece Of Wet Wheat Toast QB Kellen Mond (I’m not bitter, YOU’RE bitter) and Head “Just waiting until Santa’s Wonderland opens back up cause I’m out of ways to spend the money they give me to coach in this god-forsaken town” Coach (official title, look it up) Jimbo Fisher Can Do Nothing When Faced With Competent Defenders Mode. They’ve been in both modes an equal amount of times to this point.

Let’s check in with our TexAgs correspondent to see how it’s looking on the ground:

It’s looking like it couldn’t be me.

Mizzou

You can’t be an SEC school that gets a highly-touted transfer QB who led his previous team to the College Football Playoff and then come out and lose to Wyoming (who isn’t even undefeated anymore after losing to Tulsa this week) in Week 1. You can’t let a QB no one has ever heard of run through your SEC defense like this.

Well...I guess YOU can. Couldn’t be me though.

West Virginia

If we’re gonna shame Mizzou for losing to Wyoming in week 1 we also have to shame West Virginia for getting curb stomped by Mizzou in week 2, right?

I didn’t watch this game (because I love myself, why on Earth would I watch this?) and don’t have much to say about it but yeah...couldn’t be me.

Arkansas

I don’t know what act of god kept Chad Morris from being the Head Coach at Baylor a few years back but I thank the Lord for his blessings cause wooooooo buddy the Hogs STINK.

Week 1, Portland State came to town and was amazed by the Razorbacks’ stadium...and the fact that the previous year Arkansas went 2-7 despite playing in such a nice stadium.

Video NSFW

Arkansas won a nail-biter 20-13.

This week, they got dominated in that same stadium by San Jose State.

You may be thinking to yourself, “I’ve never seen either of those schools play football, but they can’t be that good where Arkansas should be losing to them, right?”

And you’d be correct. Because as you know, Portland and San Jose are both not states. Which makes Portland State and San Jose State both Not-A-State State Universities. And as we know, you are never allowed to lose to a Not-A-State State University.

Couldn’t be me.

Kansas

As shown above, Kansas lost to a school with a direction or reference to geographic location in its name. Also, they’re Kansas. So couldn’t be me...

BUT!

Boston College

Losing to Kansas under any circumstances at any point is intolerable. But getting doubled up by Kansas on your home field as a 20-point favorite is just UNCONSCIONABLE. How could you do that? Think of your families. Think of the children.

Couldn’t be me.

Iowa State

We play Iowa State this week and if you’ve been on Twitter in the last few days I’m sure you’ve already seen why I hate these people.

If you will, recall my Couldn’t Be Me Season Preview where I wrote:

I want every season and every aspect of their lives to be completely mediocre, entirely unremarkable, and somewhat unsatisfying. I want them to go 5-7 with no major upset wins. I want them to always stop the gas pump 1 cent after they meant to. I want them to buy scratch offs and only win back the money they spent. I want them to be late to work looking for their car keys only to discover they were in their pocket the whole time. I want their kids to get nothing but twizzlers, dots, and banana laffy taffy for Halloween candy. I want every restaurant in Ames to be rebranded as an Applebee’s or a Denny’s. I want every movie theater to only play box office flops and every bar to only serve Miller Lite. I don’t want them to be bad. I want them to be so uninteresting that they cease to exist in conversations and get looked over entirely.

Except by me when I laugh at them EVERY. DAMN. WEEK.

Well:

AHBSNAHBASHBSADHBFADSJKLBFASLKHBFSAHKLBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSBASDKHDFBHIRABHABHASBHAHAAHAHAHAHAH

<deep breaths>

HSABHDSBFHSABHABHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHBLWFHABLASHLBAHLBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHFASBHLFBFHLABHAHASHAHAHAHAHAHHASHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHZHAH

Couldn’t be me.

UCF

I’ve hated UCF ever since their stupid fake national championship season so I actively root against them every week and them losing to PITT on Saturday immediately after a team we will discuss later also lost that day just...woo man it did a beautiful work in my spirit.

Couldn’t be me.

This poor unfortunate soul in a losing effort

Pray for that man.

Dishonorable Mentions

Unfortunately, I don’t have time to write what I would like to for the following schools, but I’m sure they’ll give me reason to bring them back up in the future:

Tennessee, Michigan, UCLA, Washington State, Houston.

TCU

I won’t lie to you. This is the whole reason the Couldn’t Be Me is back this week. This and this alone. I was content to stew in my sadness and apathy. To let writer’s block and life get in the way of the content. I was. I really was. But then on Saturday the good Lord, merciful and loving in all His ways, gave me the sign I needed to get off my ass and get it done. I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t on the lookout for it. I never even considered it a possibility, until it smacked me right in my stupid face.

TCU

Undefeated and 25th ranked

Playing at home

Against unranked and unnoticed SMU

They...they...

They lost.

THEY LOST!

THEY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST.

First of all! Off the rip, let me just say,

Second, let’s get in to the fact that TCU’s allegedly great defense got 41 points hung on them by something called a *checks notes* holy crap Shane Buechele plays for SMU now?!?!?

TCU’s QB threw for 3 touchdowns but no one cares or thinks he’s any good because he only threw for 188 American Football Yards on 36 attempts and fumbled. So if TCU’s defense is full of frauds and they still don’t have a QB...my math would suggest that’s not great, Bob.

Finally, the most important thing about TCU’s loss to SMU at home is the scoreboard.

You remember the scoreboard, right?

Well...

It feels so good, after all this time, to finally say

TCU...

It

Couldn’t

Be

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!