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The Couldn’t Be Me 2019 Season Preview

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The Hater’s Guide to What to Watch for This Season

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl - Baylor v Vanderbilt Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

College football is right around the corner and that means it’s time for season previews. There are plenty of nerds who can tell you everything you (don’t actually) need to know about how good South McBooty State’s backup Tight End looked last year and how he’s ready to take the next step and get them up to 4th place in the America’s Heartland Conference this season but that’s not what this preview is about. You’re not here for analysis of numbers you don’t understand. You’re here for news you can use. You’re here to learn how you can potentially stunt on the haters and losers, of which there are many. To that end, this is the Couldn’t Be Me 2019 Season Preview. A guide to situations we will be keeping our eyes on this season for the potential of hilariously juicy schadenfreude.

Texas A&M

Almost certain to return to a Couldn’t Be Me this season will be the Fightin’ Texas Aggies. Jimbo “I’m Too Rich To Go To Northgate So What the Hell Do I Do In College Station?” Fisher is back for his 2nd season as the leader of the army enthusiasts who weren’t enthusiastic enough to go to Army. Fair-to-middling QB Kellen Mond will also be there probably and I’m still not bitter about it. At all. You’re bitter. So shut up.

Anyway, A&M has the misfortune of playing both Clemson and Alabama this year so...good luck with that. The NCAA preseason rankings from earlier this month have Texas A&M at #11 so when they fall flat on their faces in the 2nd game of the season against Clemson and then inevitably finish in the bottom half of the SEC West I’ll be laughing all the way (ha ha ha)!

Texas

Let’s just get this out of the way now, Texas is not back, folks. You’ll see a lot of lies and a lot of propaganda that will tell you that Sam Ehlinger is gonna take some next step and put Texas over the top this year and that they could win the conference and hey, maybe they’ll even make the playoffs potentially. Who knows? It’s not crazy. It could happen!

But when none of that happens, remember I told you it wouldn’t happen. And join me as I make fun of the idiots who thought it would.

Every Clemson Opponent but Maybe Also Clemson?

I want you to watch this video linked below and then I want you to read Clemson’s schedule listed below that.

Georgia Tech
Texas A&M
@ Syracuse
Charlotte
@ North Carolina
Florida State
@ Louisville
Boston College
@ NC State
Wake Forest
@ South Carolina

Now do you seriously believe any of those teams are capable of avoiding catching an unholy ass whooping from Clemson, let alone actually beating them? Cause I don’t.

BUT. Should Clemson come out here and stink up the joint against anybody on their schedule they will have to be featured in the Couldn’t Be Me.

Every Team with a New Head Coach

If you have a new head coach that means either you fired your old one or he thought he was too good for you and left. Either way, if the new guy you got comes in and is trash, that’s funny. So the likes of West Virginia, Houston, Kansas State, Kansas, Texas Tech, Miami, Liberty, North Carolina, Ohio State, and more will all be on #ButtonWatch this season.

Les Miles, Mack Brown, and Hugh Freeze all have new gigs out here. This could be AMAZING.

Every Team in the AP Preseason Top 25

This one is pretty self-explanatory. But as overhyped teams fall out of the AP Top 25 the Couldn’t Be Me will be here to cushion their falls. And by cushion their falls I mean pour out as many legos and thumbtacks on the floor as possible.

Iowa State

I hate Iowa State now. I just do. I don’t want anything good to ever happen to their football team ever. They’re all dead to me after their Twitter pearl clutching and outrage over the brawl in our game last year. Apparently we’re just full of thugs and Iowa State’s players would NEVER do ANYTHING to start a fight.

But I don’t want anything bad to happen to them. No no. I want every season and every aspect of their lives to be completely mediocre, entirely unremarkable, and somewhat unsatisfying. I want them to go 5-7 with no major upset wins. I want them to always stop the gas pump 1 cent after they meant to. I want them to buy scratch offs and only win back the money they spent. I want them to be late to work looking for their car keys only to discover they were in their pocket the whole time. I want their kids to get nothing but twizzlers, dots, and banana laffy taffy for Halloween candy. I want every restaurant in Ames to be rebranded as an Applebee’s or a Denny’s. I want every movie theater to only play box office flops and every bar to only serve Miller Lite. I don’t want them to be bad. I want them to be so uninteresting that they cease to exist in conversations and get looked over entirely.

Except by me when I laugh at them EVERY. DAMN. WEEK.

TCU

You already know what it is.

You already know what I’m about.

You already know how this had to end. How it has to end every week this season.

November 9th it’s coming.

I need it. I need it like Gary Patterson needs a towel and like TCU needs to feel like they matter on any level as an institution. I need it like a Real Housewife star needs wine and attention. I’ve never needed anything more in my life than I need for Baylor to beat TCU this season so that I can make every petty joke there is to possibly make about their new scoreboard.

That’s just a taste of what’s to come every Monday this fall on my recap column.

Imagine missing out on any of it.

Couldn’t be me.