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Couldn’t Be Me Recap: The Trappings of Week 9

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Texas Tech v Baylor Photo by Richard Rodriguez/Getty Images

Hellooooooooooooooooo Baylor Nation. It’s been a minute. I apologize. But walk with me here.

Do you feel that? That crispness in the air? It’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? One might even say it’s a little lonely. We didn’t get invited here. Hell, most people thought we’d never come close to getting back here again. But here we are.

Where are we?

That’s right.

THE TOP OF THE BIG 12 BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

We ain’t even play this week and yet here we are. Your Big 12 front-runners. Let’s look at all the haters and losers who are not among the blessed like us.

Texas

Remember all the way back then? When Texas won the Sugar Bowl over a Georgia team that was sulking after not making the playoffs? Good times. Texas was - for real this time, no seriously, we promise - back.

What does being “baaaaaaaaaaack” look like at Texas now?

A whoooooooooole lot like Texas A&M.

Exciting bowl win after a decent year making everyone think you’re going to be good again? Check

Losing to the 1 good out of conference opponent you play? Check.

Playing 1 of your weakest conference opponents entirely too close for comfort at home? Check.

Having an over-hyped Head Coach you were way too excited about and paid too much money? Big ole check.

Being 5-3? Super ultra mega check.

Kindred spirits, truly. I wonder what would happen if these 2 teams were to ever play?

Guess we’ll never know.

Either way, UT fans are in a death spiral and an existential crisis wondering if they’ll lose out and miss a bowl game, recruits are decommitting allegedly because of rumors about Tom Herman being a jerk wad, and man I just couldn’t tell you what any of that feels like.

Couldn’t Be Me.

Texas Tech

Have some catching up to do on this one so I’m gonna keep it short and sweet here.

Texas Tech lost a football game to Baylor University in double OT. A respectable effort on the road against what is now a Top 15 team. Tough loss. Tough scene. They may or may not have gotten screwed by a BUTT call in the BUTT bowl on a potential BUTT fumble. Who am I to say?

Being 7-0 and at the top of the conference, looking down on the squabbling peasants and their petty concerns, has given me a lot of perspective and made me realize that you can’t sweat the small stuff.

Anyway, Red Raiders fans - perpetually squabbling peasants who are never at the top of the conference - lack this perspective. And they were VERY upset. Fans, professors, athletic directors, the former Alumni Association president, everybody.

They was maaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

But hey. You know what brightens my mood when I’m mad? Knowing that my team is for sure for going to a bowl game. Maybe Texas Tech can take pride in that as we-

<holds hand to ear piece>

Hang on

Tech has to go 3-1 over their last 4 to even make a bowl game???

Couldn’t Be Me.

Oklahoma

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAHOMAAAAAAAAAAA

A top College Football Playoff contender!

Leaders for an unprecedented 3rd straight Heisman trophy winning transfer quarterback!

A head coach who is God’s gift to college football offense!

Improved defense havers!

Definite Kansas State football defeaters!

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

Y’all lied to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

But I want to take this time to comment on a bit of a larger theme with Lincoln Riley’s Oklahoma program.

You know what Oklahoma is, aside from a bunch of liars?

They’re that really put together kid. Every class had one of those. Always came to school in very nice clothes, was balling at the lunch table with all the latest and greatest snacks from the tv commercials, their parents picked them up in a fancy car every day, they had the 64 pack of Crayolas with the sharpener, all that. You know the kid.

They were elite their whole lives. Good grades, good at sports. Superstars. Smoked the SATs. Top of their class. Killing the game.

And then they got to college. A really good college. And they looked around and said “wow. y’all smoked the SATs too? You were also top of your class? Your father is also the inventor of Toaster Strudel??? I actually have to study and compete against equally prepared people now? I...I...I have no inherited advantages over any of you???”

And they couldn’t handle it and they flunked out.

That’s Oklahoma. They got all the smoke for the Texas Techs of the world. But then Bama shows up and...ooh boy. That’s where they live now.

They also live in 2nd place in the Big 12.

Couldn’t Be Me.

Texas Tech

How could I be done talking about Texas Tech?

How could I not discuss Texas Tech achieving one of college football’s rarest feats?

How could I ignore Texas Tech thinking of an even worse way to lose than getting screwed over on a made up illegal snap call in overtime?

How could I overlook one of the greatest heads up plays in the history of heads up plays by a special teams lineman?

How could Texas Tech lose to Kansas in football for the first time since the Bush administration?

That’s how.

I consider myself a decent writer but I don’t quite have the words to describe how embarrassed Tech fans are (and should be) by this loss. So I’ll let them do it.

Mmm mmm mmm.

You hate to see it. You truly do.

Not trusting the process? Having a process that involves losing to Kansas in the first year of your rebuild?

Both couldn’t be me.

Iowa State

Iowa State lost another football game.

Brock Purdy threw 3 interceptions in the final 7 minutes.

Their record sits at 5-3.

A shame. A real shame. I’m sure someone somewhere is upset by this.

Couldn’t Be Me.

TCU

“But Deeeeeeeeeex. TCU beat Texas this week! They brought us so much joy! How you gonna have them in the Couldn’t Be Me this week?”

That’s you. That’s what you sound like.

You know why their in the Couldn’t Be Me this week?

It’s not getting curb stomped by the aforementioned Iowa State and letting Brock Purdy stunt on them like this:

Not for losing to Kansas State a couple weeks ago in a game I’m sure all 7 people who watched it were absolutely riveted by:

But for 2 reasons in particular.

Wearing what may actually be the worst jerseys I have ever seen in my life for their Homecoming game;

And, more importantly

That’s right.

Middle of the pack in the Big 12? That’s a place you can be? In 2019? The thought never even occurred to me. I never conceived of such poverty,

Couldn’t.

Be.

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.