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The 2018 Couldn’t Be Me Awards

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“I must’ve been hard to watch, what a year for you [losers].” - Drake

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl - Baylor v Vanderbilt Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Well hello there Baylor nation. Did you miss me? You know I missed you. The Couldn’t Be Me took a holiday break but ya boy is back and has resolved to be even pettier in 2019. With the season officially in the books for everyone except Clemson and Alabama it’s time to reflect on another great year in college football as well as some interesting bowl outcomes. And, as you know by now, when I say “reflect” I mean “hold up a giant mirror to all the unfortunates who have bad college football teams with the words ‘YA HATE TO SEE IT’ written on it”.

Welcome to the 2018 Couldn’t Be Me Awards, my countdown of the most pitiful losers, suckers, and chumps of 2018. Who will take home the crown? Let’s get into it.

Dishonorable Mentions

Texas A&M & Auburn

Terrible quarterback play from Kellen Mond and Jarrett Stidham hamstrung these 2 teams and they finished with mediocre records at 9-4 and 8-5 respectively but they got dominant bowl wins so I can’t put them on the actual list. I’m still not bitter, I’ve never been bitter. You’re bitter, you’ve always been bitter. Shut up.

The Entire State of Florida

Miami, Florida, and Florida State all took turns stinking up the joint this year. What a time to be alive in the sunshine state.

My favorite memory from Florida this year is when Clemson murdered Florida State, wrapped them up in the carpet, and threw them in the ocean. And then this shirtless man enjoyed a good book.

Then the “reigning national champions” UCF got a big time game to prove themselves against a severely injured LSU team annnnnnnnnnnnnd, nope they couldn’t do it. Because of course they couldn’t. Maybe they’ll accept that 2 and 1 with Florida now.

Through the moon door with em.

Temple

Temple had a fine season, going 8-5 and finishing 7-1 in conference with that 1 loss being to UCF, so they won’t be in the top 10; <dramatic pause>

HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR,

Their head coach got hired away again, this time by Georgia Tech, then they hired a new guy (Manny Diaz) everyone was really excited about and then before Diaz could even call his bank and let them know he’d be using his debit card in Philadelphia now, Diaz took the newly opened Miami head coaching job. HE GOOOOOOOOOOOONE. Tough toenail, Temple.

10. Houston

As a Houstonian it almost pains me that U of H fell completely apart this year. Almost.

They started out 7-1, Ed Oliver was looking like the best player in the country, they beat ranked USF doing things like this:

Everything was going pretty well.

And then it wasn’t. Their starting QB got hurt (I think, I’m too lazy to look it up. Facts don’t matter), their coach and star player got into a shouting match on national tv because their star player quit playing, they lost 3 of their final 4 to close out the regular season, and then the entire military might of the United States of America blew the hell up on them and they got beat 70-14 by ARMY.

ARMY. Whose previous season high was 42. They gave up SEVENTY POINTS. TO ARMY.

They lost by FIFTY SIX POINTS. TO ARMY.

They gave up TEN SACKS. TO ARMY.

TO. ARMY.

Kendal Briles signed an extension to be OC and then left immediately after doing that to go be OC at Florida State then Major Applewhite got fired.

A promising start to the season just to turn around and fire your head coach after only 2 seasons because you think you should be a big time winner in the state of Texas but you’re not? Couldn’t be me.

But because of who they hired I have to put them at 10 on the list behind...

9. West Virginia

West Virginia started the season with such promise. Will Grier and David Sills were getting national preseason love as 2 of the best players in the country, WVU was ranked in the teens in preseason polls, they beat the holy hell fire out of Tennessee week 1, they started 5-0 and then they went 3-4 in their final 7 games, finished 4th in the conference, lost Will Grier to the NFL, and lost Dana Holgerson to the aforementioned University of Houston. HE GOOOOOOOOOOONE.

National preseason hype turning in to heartbreak, losing your coach to a group of 5 school, and having to start all over? Couldn’t be me.

8. Notre Dame

I didn’t watch a single second of Notre Dame football this season until they played QB Jesus Trevor Lawrence because I’ll never waste my time with them again after what happened in the 2013 national championship game.

“But Dex, that was 6 years ago. It’s an entirely different team now!” - You, a dumb

Is it?

IS IT???

Couldn’t be me.

7. Ohio State

Blah blah blah, Ohio State only lost 1 game all year, they won the Big 10, they won the Rose Bowl, they beat Michigan again, yada yada yada, whatever.

They didn’t get to play for a national championship because Purdue. And as we know,

Couldn’t be me.

6. Texas

They won the Sugar Bowl. They got to 10 wins. Shoutout to them.

You know what else they did? They lost to a grieving, head coachless Maryland. And then they got dunked on like 807 times by now former WVU head coach Dana Holgerson. And they lost to Oklahoma State. What kind of loser can’t beat Oklahoma State?

*%&! Texas! Forever!

Couldn’t be me.

5. Michigan

I watched like 5 total minutes of Michigan football this season but they got blown out by Ohio State after spending a year telling people they were the best defense in the country. And then they got blown out by a mediocre Florida team in their bowl game. Get them outta my sight. Pathetic.

Couldn’t be me.

4. Iowa State

2018 saw a new champion in the “Big 12 team I most want to see be embarrassed at every turn” category in the Iowa State Cyclones. That’s the only championship of any kind they’ve won outright in their history.

After their allegedly well-coached, very disciplined, downright saintly players started a fight with our players and hung on to a win by the skin of their teeth (because Charlie Brewer apparently killed the referee’s dog at midfield or something and got ejected) their fans decided to get all up in my grill about it. Matt Campbell is a superstar of a coach apparently and I was an idiot for thinking Iowa State would ever be in a fight if those THUGS from Baylor hadn’t started it.

Anyway.

Fast forward to the next week and they lose to Texas.

Fast forward 2 weeks from that and they barely beat Canadian rap sensation Drake by 3 points. Oh wait. It’s not Drake the rapper, it’s Drake University who finished 3rd place in a non-scholarship football conference so that’s probably even worse. Yikes.

But all of that is okay. Matt Campbell is a superstar, remember? He got Iowa State to a THIRD PLACE finish in the Big 12. THIRD PLACE. Very exciting. Don’t look too close at that loss column. THIRD PLACE.

Clearly my doubts about Iowa State taking over the conference anytime soon would be erased when they took on Washington State in the Alamo Bowl, right? RIGHT?

Wrong. They lost to Wazzu. Their best season in over 100 years ended with a third place conference finish, 5 losses (including 1 to rival Iowa in El Assico), and not a single trophy or award worth a damn.

Couldn’t Be Me. Very glad it’s them.

3. Georgia

Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. What a disappointment.

First you start 2018 by blowing a big lead to Alabama’s backup QB in the national championship. Then you let a mediocre LSU team give you the WORK. Then, in a commendable bit of symmetry, they ended 2018 by blowing ANOTHER big lead to Alabama’s OTHER backup QB in the SEC championship game.

But APPARENTLY, losing by a lot to LSU and a little to Bama means you’re still worthy of being in the college football playoff, as Georgia players were very willing to remind us about on Twitter during the college football playoff games. And then they got the work from TEXAS. 4 loss Texas. TEXAS.

And then they got dunked on on Twitter. You love to see it. Well I do, because fortunately it couldn’t be me.

2. Alabama’s Opponents

That’s it. That’s the listing. Couldn’t be me. Thank u, next.

1. TCU

YOU ALREADY KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

Your 1st Ever Couldn’t Be Me Champions are the TCU Horned Frogs.

There was no way it was gonna be anybody else. They single-handedly saved the Couldn’t Be Me in its infancy by losing to Kansas on a butt fumble, giving us the greatest moment in Couldn’t Be Me History.

They stunk up the joint all season after being ranked highly to start the year and I’m forever grateful. The Couldn’t Be Me wouldn’t be what it is today without TCU.

No, we didn’t play them this year weird how the schedule worked out I know.

And then they played the dumbest bowl game ever! The Cheez-It Bowl was the butt of every single joke in college football for the entire bowl season. They had 27 passing yards. In the whole game. They had 4 interceptions. The other team had 5. 17 points were scored. It was amazing.

It Couldn’t Be Me.

What a year. Thanks for rocking with me in my first season doing this, looking forward to doing it again and stunting on the haters and losers all year long next season.