The Couldn’t Be Me Weekly Recap: Bowl Selections

Welcome to a Monday edition of the Couldn’t Be Me Weekly Recap where today we will be exploring the proliferation of bowl games and making fun of teams that have to play in the worst ones. We will also be laughing at losers from a couple conference championship games because losing a conference championship game is probably the lamest way ever to have your season be entirely forgettable. I say “probably” because I don’t know what that’s like. It couldn’t be me. Let’s go!

Texas

Texas Texas Texas. You were so close to being back. I mean, not really, but that’s what you probably told yourselves. You climbed the mountain all the way to 2nd place in the Big 12 and a rematch with Oklahoma for the Big 12 title. You beat OU in the Cotton Bowl, so obviously you could do it again in Jerry World, right?

Wrong.

Kyler Murray stunted on you, possibly took the lead in the Heisman race, and cemented your most bitter (current) rival’s status in the top 4. Sam Ehlinger (emphasis on the EH!) got lit up with the game on the line and ya lost. Let’s look at that hit from several camera angles shall we?

Now the best seasom your team has had in about a decade ends with at least 4 losses including 1 to Maryland; single digit wins over Tulsa, Kansas State, Baylor. Texas Tech, and Kansas; and you have to go play an angry Georgia in the Sugar Bowl. That definitely earns a trip THROUGH THE MOON DOOOOOOOOOOOOOR.

Couldn’t Be Me.

Georgia

Speaking of angry Georgia, it’s time for the weekly Alabama Opponent Memorial spot on the Couldn’t Be Me. This time with a Shakesperean level tragic twist.

Georgia (apparently a good team, I’ve only seen them play in their 2 losses this year so I wouldn’t know) led Alabama by 14 points and made God King of College Football Tua Tagavailoa look very very mortal. Similar to their national championship game where they made Jalen Hurts look like a bum. More on that later. But the point is Georgia was ROLLING.

BUT THEN.

Everything changed when Jalen Hurts came in to the game. The opportunity for him to redeem himself after he was benched last season but decided to stay with the team to graduate this fall. And because he was playing a team from Georgia that had gotten its hopes up, of course he won the game for Bama.

Georgia Georgia Georgia. You had a chance to go to the playoffs. You were up 14 points. You blew it. You blew it all over the damn carpet.

You ran this stupid fake punt at MIDFIELD with the game on the line. And for that, you’re out of the playoff.

Losing a national championship and getting left out of the playoff in back to back years because you choked in the same exact way to the same exact team 2 years in a row? Couldn’t Be Me.

Ohio State

You thought you had a chance at making the playoff but as the French say, Purdue.

Couldn’t Be Me.

Western Michigan and BYU

Congrats on your seasons. You get to go to Boise and play for a trophy full of potatoes. FEEL THE ELECTRICITY.

Couldn’t Be Me.

South Carolina and Virginia

Imagine having to tell people you’re a champion (or loser) of something called the Belk Bowl. Just say it out loud to yourself. “I won the Belk Bowl.”

Imagine when you’re older and your grandkids are asking you about your glory days playing at South Carolina or Virginia and you have to tell young Skippy that your crowning achievement was winning the Belk Bowl.

Couldn’t Be Me.

San Diego State and Ohio

[Scene] Ohio meeting room

[Characters] Ohio coaches and football players

Head Coach: Boys, we’ve worked all season and we’ve earned ourselves a trip to a bowl game. I’m very happy to announce that we’ll be spending the holidays in...

Players: yes???

HC: THE LOVELY

Players: YES???

HC: WARM

Players: YES?!?!?!?!

HC: DALLAS AREA SUBURB OF FRISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, TEXAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Players:

Couldn’t Be Me.

Michigan State and Oregon

Apparently there’s a Red Box Bowl now and these 2 former CFP teams are playing in it. My my my how the mighty have fallen.

Also, is the swag bag just filled with outdated movies you have to take back to your local McDonald’s?

Couldn’t Be Me.

Buffalo and Troy

The Dollar General Bowl. What more needs to be said?

Couldn’t Be Me.

TCU

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WE GET TO PLAY IN HOUSTON AND YOU HAVE TO GO TO ARIZONA AND PLAY IN A BASEBALL STADIUM AGAINST A PAC 12 TEAM NO ONE CARES ABOUT SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Couldn’t Be Me.