The Couldn’t Be Me Weekly Recap: Week 10

Welcome to the Couldn’t Be Me college football recap for Week 10 where we cast our gaze across the college football landscape looking for fans in need of encouragement and reassurance as their favorite teams face trying times. And then we point and laugh at them cause it sucks to suck, suckers. Well, at least I assume it does. I wouldn’t know. Couldn’t be me. We have a LOT to get to this week because there was some STUNNING misfortune across the country today. But don’t worry we will recap it all. So grab a mug of loser tears, get cozy, and let’s get it.

Everyone That Doesn’t Have Helmets This Awesome

Sailor Bear has never lost. Sailor Bear can never lose. Imagine not having Sailor Bear. Couldn’t be me.

Oklahoma State

Okie Lite, Diet Oklahoma, Boneless Oklahoma, whatever you wanna call em, they were riding high coming off a win against a “top 10” Texas Longhorns squad last week. Riding so high that they had a 10 point lead late in the game in Waco on Saturday. Riding so high that they had a 94.1% win probability with just a couple minutes to go.

And then...uh...well...

Sailor Bear worked its Homecoming magic and Oklahoma State, as many of its fans on Twitter will tell you, LOST TO F*****G BAYLOR.

They then lost to friend of the program, @Mattisbear on Twitter.

Blowing an almost certain win and then getting dunked on by the least athletic member of the opposing team’s fan base? Couldn’t be me.

Louisville

Like I said we have a lot to get to so I’m gonna keep this one short. Louisville played Clemson today and they lost 77 to 16.

That’s right. Louisville (2-7) gave up 77 points in a football game including 6 to Dabo Swinney’s son.

Louisville basketball played @ Clemson last season and the game went to overtime. Clemson “only” scored 74 points in that game (Clemson won by the way).

Your football team gave up more points than your basketball team did in an overtime game AND the coach out here drawing up plays to get his son some shine just because he can at your expense? Couldn’t be me.

LSU

In the Inaugural Couldn’t Be Me recap I told you Alabama’s opponent would probably make the list every week because Bama is just that good. I might have undersold it when I described Bama as “comically good”. To explain why, I’ll have to explain a scene from The Wire:

Some cops are discussing the “War on Drugs” and one of them points out that you can’t even call it a war.

Why not?

Because wars end.

Comic books end too. Bane broke Batman’s back, yeah, but eventually Batman got healed up and came back and defeated Bane. But Bama doesn’t end. Batman isn’t getting healed up. He ain’t winning the fight. Batman is getting shutout at home on an off night for Bane. We need a new metaphor. Bama isn’t comically good, they’re biblically good. You know how you read stories out of the bible and sometimes there’s like 2 sentences describing an event where thousands of people die and then you just kind of move on in the story with the main character of that particular book? Bama is that main character. Those thousands of people are everyone in college football’s hopes and dreams, and those 2 sentences are the box scores from Bama games.

This game wasn’t even a great one for the Crimson Tide. It felt like they left a lot of points on the field and Tua Tagavailoa finally looked human and even threw his 1st interception of the season. But Alabama outgained LSU 576-196.

LSU’s drive results went: Punt, Punt, Punt, Punt, Fumble, Punt, Punt, Punt, Punt, Missed Field Goal, Interception.

They lost 29-0 AT HOME. After dropping this incredible hype video.

They were PUMPED. They were READY.

And then...they really weren’t. Because of course they weren’t are you insane?

Getting hyped all week to get goose-egged by your rival at home? In front of errbody? Couldn’t be me.

Texas A&M

The somehow 20th ranked Fightin’ Texas Aggies and their fearless leader Head “Guess I’ll Get Lit at Cotton Patch Cafe Cause What Else Would I Do with All This Money In College Station?” Coach (that’s his official title, look it up) Jimbo Fisher had a 24 to 14 lead over Auburn and Jarrett “are NFL teams really supposed to be excited about the prospect of drafting this guy? Really? THIS is your king???” Stidham (I’m not bitter, you’re bitter, shut up). With about 7 minutes to go in the 4th quarter and a 10 point lead it looked like the Ags would get back on track after a meltdown at Mississippi State last week. And then they didn’t. Because this happened.

Kellen Mond had another...Kellen Mond like day (I’m still not bitter, you’re bitter, shut up.) completing 50% of his passes and throwing for 1 TD and 1 INT and Aggie twitter loved it! Except of course they didn’t are you insane???

LET US NOT FORGET, Texas A&M has now lost not 1 but 2 games since Kirk Herbstreit gave us this gem of a prediction last week.

Imagine blowing a late lead and wishing you could ship the highly-touted recruit you stole back to an in-state rival. All of this while paying a former national championship head coach a trillion College Station Dollars (CSD) to come to your team just to struggle to find 6 wins (A&M plays UAB on the 17th and if not for that would be a bit of a longshot to make a bowl game). Couldn’t be me.

Texas

REFUSING to allow Texas A&M to claim the title of “most crushing late game collapse of November 3rd, 2018” Texas gave up this touchdown to West Virginia with only a few seconds to go in Austin.

Down 1 on the road, Dana Holgerson then made a MENSA move and went for 2 and the win.

WAIT. Dana Holgerson wasn’t the coach in the game that’s in MENSA. That’s this guy:

A couple jokes come to mind seeing those images:

The long face helps hold the big brain.

He’s not mad, he’s not even sad, he’s actually happy. He had a more heartbreaking loss than the Aggies and that’s all that matters. And you thought the rivalry was dead.

Horns...down.

A heart breaking last second loss at home after the refs did their best to bail you out all game? Getting all the way up to number 6 in the country and losing back to back games immediately? Couldn’t be me.

Anybody Who Plays Football in Kansas

Kansas State lost to TCU today (thanks for nothing, guys) because of a missed extra point. I can’t find video of it because nobody wants to have this miserable 14-13 game on video to ever be seen again. But you know what there is video of? This Kansas player getting snagged on, and then tossed like a Halloween candy wrapper by Iowa State WR Hakeem Butler. Kansas lost again, like they have to every Big 12 team other than Texas and TCU since David Beatty took over, and now David Beatty has been fired. Couldn’t be me.

Iowa

16th ranked Iowa made the treacherous journey to Purdue’s Ros-Ade Stadium (See? I remembered what it’s called because THE Ohio State University lost there 2 weeks ago) and got beaten on this late field goal by...Purdue?

Purdue beat THE Ohio State a couple weeks ago but they followed that up with a loss @ Michigan State so being a ranked team and losing to Purdue still earns you a spot on the Couldn’t Be Me. Because as we all know:

Couldn’t be me.

Navy

I respect the troops so I won’t dwell on the fact that Navy got double skunked 42-0 by Cincinnati (who is quietly 8-1 on the year) or that they got outgained 451-171, doubled up in the run game (a triple option team got doubled up on the ground. My lord.), or that they’re on a 6 game losing streak. Instead I’ll post this video of Fergie singing the national anthem. Couldn’t be me.

Penn State

14th ranked Penn State went to the Big House to take on 5th ranked Michigan and got MURKED 42-7. Yeah I don’t know. Here’s some tweets.

Being ranked 14th, having an outside shot at the conference championship game and getting STUNTED ON by a rival? Only scoring 7 points? Couldn’t be me.

Well that covers the super losers for the week. Thanks for checking out this lengthy Couldn’t Be Me. I’ll be back here next week to...wait. One more thing.

TCU

What? Did you think I was done??? You think a win over Kansas State is gonna save TCU from the Couldn’t Be Me??? You think I’m gonna let a little 1 point win over the only team in the Big 12 without a road win stop me from trash talking Towel Carrier University??? Is that what you think???

TCU only scored 14 points on KANSAS STATE at HOME. Do you know how many teams Kansas State has held to 14 points this year? That’s right, just the 1. South Dakota, a team who is currently 6th place in the Missouri Valley Football Conference, scored 24 points on KSU. KSU STINKS!!! And TCU had to get bailed out by Wildcat incompetence to stop their losing streak at 3.

But when that streak includes a loss to Kansas, there’s no coming back. TCU lost to Kansas in football in the Year of our Lord 2018. And Kansas just fired their coach. Beating TCU wasn’t even enough for David Beatty to keep his job a week later. TCU IS THAT BAD NOW

ANYWAY.

I could tell you about various empirical metrics and even some old fashioned anecdotes that show Baylor is better than TCU on every front but I won’t. I’m gonna keep it short and simple this time cause I’m in a good, Homecoming-y mood. TCU did get a win on Saturday and for that I will reach deep down in my soul to give them all the grace I can muster. Unfortunately for them, I can’t muster up enough grace to overlook the persisting reason I could never relate to TCU.

That’s right.

COULDN’T

BE

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.