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The Couldn’t Be Me Weekly Recap: Week 13

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Some teams aren’t going bowling. How unfortunate.

Baylor v Texas Tech Photo by John Weast/Getty Images

Welcome back to the final Couldn’t Be Me weekly recap of the regular season where this holiday season we aim to keep in mind the less fortunate. Some people’s favorite college football teams are done playing until September 2019. Some people’s favorite college football teams don’t even have head coaches anymore. And saddest of all, some people’s favorite college football teams have to keep their head coach that everyone hates. Oh the horror.

Let’s point and laugh at them all, shall we?

Texas Tech

Texas Tech had a promising start to the season. Well, not the actual start because they gave up 47 points and lost their opener to Ole Miss who we now know isn’t very good after an offseason hyping up a supposedly improved defense. But anyway, they were a very respectable 5-2 and Mr. Steal Yo Girl Coach Bro Local Attractive Man Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury looked like he was finally starting to hit his stride in his 6th season as the Red Raiders Head Coach. <dramatic pause> HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRR, Texas Tech went on to lose its last 5 games, missed a bowl game, and now has fired their coach.

A Baylor team that had struggled to do much of anything and had only scored 3 touchdowns in 2 weeks lit the Red Raiders UP. Charlie Brewer threw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns, Chris Platt found new life, and Baylor had a NINETEEN PLAY TOUCHDOWN DRIVE. Baylor of all teams. A 19 play touchdown drive. In 2018. Kingsbury had to go just off that alone. Not to mention the embarassing 21-6 loss to a terrible Kansas State team last week.

Imagine having 5 wins after 7 games and then also still having 5 wins after 12 games. Couldn’t Be Me. THROUGH THE MOON DOOOOOOOOOOR!

Auburn

This week a Couldn’t Be Me favorite is back and taking their place in a special Iron Bowl edition of the Alabama Opponent Memorial. “Wet Toast SEC QB” Jarrett Stidham (I’m still not bitter, you’re bitter, shut up) went 13 for 30 passing with 127 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT. “SEC WR I’ve Never Heard of Before Right Now” Ryan Davis who also apparently plays for Auburn went 1 for 1 passing with 23 yards and 1 TD. That’s right. Auburn’s highest rated passer for the game was a Wide Receiver. Tua Tagavailoa, the thing that goes bump in the night while defensive coordinators try to sleep, threw for 5 touchdowns. Jalen Hurts, noteworthy 2nd choice, also threw a touchdown on his only pass attempt and Alabama dropped FIFTY TWO on Auburn, their arch nemesis.

It was a mighty disrespectful 52 points too.

I don’t know what else to say about Bama at this point. I already told y’all they’re biblical in their utter annihilation of all opponents they face. Their smallest margin of victory this season was 22 points. Maybe Georgia can pull a rabbit out of their heads and keep it within single digits? Good luck.

Imagine having to tell yourself that you can throw out the record books because anything can happen in your favorite team’s rivalry game and then having to watch your team be sacrificed to the Crimson Tide. No thanks. Do not want Bama. Couldn’t Be Me.

Michigan

Win and you’re in, they said. Michigan has a great defense, they said. Jim Harbaugh can win big games now, they said.

THEY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIED.

Michigan had to beat Ohio State and then take care of a 4 loss Northwestern team in the Big 10 championship game but noooooooooooooooooooope. They decided to go out there and get BLOWED UP by their biggest rival in front of errbody. They gave up 62 points. The number 1 defense in the country. A team from the Big 10 where they play nothing but that REAL football. Gave up 62 points with the season on the line. Ohio State hadn’t sniffed 60 since week 1 of the season but they had all kinds of work to give Michigan. Now Michigan is out of the B1G title game, out of the playoff, and most importantly has earned themselves an all expenses paid recruiting trip

THROUGH THE MOON DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR

Couldn’t Be Me.

Oklahoma State

Thanks for nothing, Pokes. Thanks for NOTHING.

Imagine having a chance to win a victory for everything that is right and good by knocking TCU out of a bowl game just to blow it and lose by 7 points. Couldn’t Be...wait.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

LSU

Their game was long enough so this entry on the list won’t be. They scored 70 points in a game and lost. They played 7 OTs and lost. They gave their coach a Gatorade bath and lost. They played a football game against Kellen Mond (I’m STILL. NOT. BITTER. SHUT UP!) and lost.

Couldn’t Be Me.

USC

The Trojans went 5-7 this year in a mediocre Pac 12 and now their season is over. Their head coach’s tenure is not. They are very upset about this.

Not believing in your Head Coach or trusting the process?

Couldn’t Be Me.

Kansas State, Texas Tech, Kansas, Florida State, Louisville, North Carolina, Maryland, Indiana, Nebraska, Illinois, Oregon State, USC, Arizona, UCLA, Colorado, Tennessee, Ole Miss, and Arkansas.

What do these teams all have in common? They all play in Power 5 conferences and they ain’t going to a bowl game. PATHETIC.

Going through the holidays without your team playing in a bowl game? Yikes.

Imagine having to go to the mall and fight people so your ungrateful kid can have the latest vidya game you’ve never heard of and ain’t no more college football for you. Imagine having to set up that stupid trampoline your kid wanted - and will use like 4 times - overnight in freezing weather and ain’t no more college football for you. Imagine being forced to wear matching sweaters and listen to your weird aunt talk about how vaccines and fluoride are killing us and ain’t no more college football for you. Imagine eating that “family tradition” holiday food you hate while knowing your favorite football team stinks and their season was a crushing disappointment and there’s only more disappointment on the other side of the offseason.

It’s going to be a long fall through the moon door for these teams so I want to say this as clearly, as loud, and as long as I can:

COULDN’T BE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

It’s been a great year and I’m glad it’s not over.