Welcome back to the Couldn’t Be Me college football recap for Week 12 where life is trash, everything is dumb, and nothing matters. Texas won, Texas A&M won, that other school won, everything sucks.
Today on the CBMe we are faced with a bit of an existential crisis: if the entire premise of your article is why it couldn’t be you, what happens when it is you? We’ve done the CBMe after a loss before, but never a loss like this. A loss to...to...god I can’t even say it.
If you’ve read literally any of these before you know how much I hate them.
From the Inaugural Couldn’t Be Me:
“Ohhhhhhh TCU. Where do we begin? There are so many things I could discuss here. There are about 6,158 reasons I could take pity on TCU.”
From Week 9:
“You might be thinking to yourself: ‘Dex, Baylor got completely destroyed by West Virginia...How could you write an article taking pity on anyone else when your team was that bad?...I will respond with 7 simple words: Shut up, nerd. TCU lost to Kansas.’”
From Week 10:
“TCU only scored 14 points on KANSAS STATE at HOME. Do you know how many teams Kansas State has held to 14 points this year? That’s right, just the 1. South Dakota, a team who is currently 6th place in the Missouri Valley Football Conference, scored 24 points on KSU. KSU STINKS!!! And TCU had to get bailed out by Wildcat incompetence to stop their losing streak at 3.”
From the article I wrote last week after taking a break from the CBMe that is literally titled “Matt Rhule has to Beat TCU”
“Matt Rhule is starting to make believers and trusters of the process out of doubters but we can’t lose to TCU. We just can’t. Not at home. Not during a blackout. Not wearing a Sailor Bear helmet. Not on Senior Day. Not with a bowl game on the line. Not with the opportunity to kick TCU in to the pit of misery and make them miss a bowl game for the first time since 2013.”
When you spend over a month talking that kind of trash and it blows up in your face, when your favorite team is held to 9 points at home on Senior Day by a defense fielding backups all over the place, when you lose to a 3rd string quarterback in the biggest game of your season, when it IS YOU, the truths of life which I learned as a student at Baylor leave me with but 1 option.
It couldn’t be me, but of course it was me.
I deserved this loss. Life is pain.— Higher. Further. Dexier. (@DexHinton) November 17, 2018
It took 17 points--at home--to beat a team that lost to Kansas. We can discuss everything else, but you have to be able to score 17 points at home against TCU.— Kendall (@kendallkaut) November 17, 2018
HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR the petty part of my soul leaves me with another option.
“But Dex, how can you have TCU on the Couldn’t Be Me this week? We lost to them! Look at everything you just said above this! How can you say that? Why?” - You, an idiot.
To quote Dave Chappelle,
“Cause *&^% em, that’s why!”
You don’t get to come in to a season ranked #16 and have such a let down year that you lose to KANSAS in football in the year of our lord 2018 and avoid shame because you beat a .500 at best team at the end of the season. Oh no no no my friend. That could never be me.
Imagine having your football happiness weekend to weekend depending on trusting Gary Patterson and listening to him speak. That could never be me.
Imagine having to wake up every day and lie to yourself and say you like and look good in the color purple. That could never be me.
Imagine knowing the best football team your school ever had didn’t actually matter because you blew a 21 point lead to your rival in 11 minutes. That could never be me.
Imagine being the 58 in 61-58.
COULDN’T BE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I’m going to go eat my feelings/sadness and then suppress them never to discuss them or this game ever again, no follow up questions please and thanks bye.)