The Couldn’t Be Me Weekly Recap: Week 9

Welcome to the Couldn’t Be Me college football recap for Week 9 where we take pity on fools across the college football landscape and are grateful we’re not them. Since this is only the 2nd time we’ve done this and the 1st time we’ve done it for a week where Baylor actually played a football game, there is an opportunity to set a precedent. And set a precedent is what I shall do.

You might be thinking to yourself:
“Dex, Baylor got completely destroyed by West Virginia. They looked absolutely terrible and it was on Thursday night so the whole country was watching. They were down 41-0 at the half. How could you write an article taking pity on anyone else when your team was that bad? Logic and fairness and reason and balance would dictate that you have to address that in the Couldn’t Be Me this week. You probably shouldn’t even write it.”

I will respond with 7 simple words:

Shut up, nerd. TCU lost to Kansas.

Texas

Somehow, Texas rose all the way up to a number 6 ranking this season. #They said TEXAS IS BACK FOLKS...again. And just like every year since Colt McCoy left, #they #lied...again. Texas got outplayed by a very mediocre Oklahoma State team in every way possible including this embarrassing YOU GOT MOSSED moment:

Longhorn fans, clearly hardened by a few tough seasons in a row now (including, fun fact, a 2016 campaign that featured a loss to Kansas) and believing in their genius Head Coach (he’s in Mensa, after all) took the loss in stride. Except of course they didn’t, are you out of your mind?

Imagine being highly ranked and going to Stillwater and getting exposed in a night game on national television. In this economy? In the year of our lord 2018? That’s so 2013. Couldn’t be me.

Texas A&M

Texas A&M has had a decent 1st season under Head Coach and Rich Person with Way More Money Than Can Be Spent in College Station (that’s his official title, look it up) Jimbo Fisher. So decent in fact that it prompted the entire College Gameday crew to pick them to win today against Mississippi State in StarkVegas.

Texas A&M’s 2 losses to Alabama and Clemson; their uh... convincing I guess wins over Kentucky, Arkansas, and South Carolina by a combined 16 points; and the spirit of the 12th Man or something moved Kirk Herbstreit enough to say the following thing that nobody asked him about:

Herbstriet and other people who allegedly know things about college football thought Texas A&M was a pretty good team I guess and they hung around at #16 in the country because their only losses were to the top 2 teams in the country. Being a 2 loss team in the SEC JUST MEANS MORE so those teams stick in the 12-20 range in the polls until someone says otherwise.

“Otherwise.” - Mississippi State, October 27th, 2018

The game was largely uninteresting as Kellen Mond had another uninspiring start, frustrating Aggie fans yet again. (I’m not bitter. You’re bitter. Shut up.)

You remember how Mississippi State was in the Couldn’t Be Me last week because their offense couldn’t do ANYTHING against LSU? This week they did some things and Nick Fitzgerald continued his domination of all 12 Men.

Texas A&M suffered their 3rd loss of the season on, fun fact, the 11 year anniversary of their last loss to Kansas in football. It was also their third loss of that season. The more you know.

Imagine getting the hell beaten outta you by a team who only managed to score 3 points the last time they played. Couldn’t be me.

Florida State

I won’t waste too much of your time here. Florida State played Clemson and there are only 3 things you need to know about this game:

1. Clemson won the game 59-10, giving Florida State their worst home loss ever (and they’ve had plenty of bad home losses including, fun fact, a 28-0 whooping at the hands of Kansas in 1973).
2. Florida State’s offensive line is really bad. They gave up as many tackles for loss (14) as they had 1st downs.
3. This man attended the game with no shirt, pleated jeans and, fittingly, a copy of the book Dark Places by Gillian Flynn.

Getting blown out so badly at home that your fans ignore the game entirely to soak in some sunshine and a good book instead? Couldn’t be me.

Literally any member of the South Florida Defense

Hey remember Charlie Strong? Fun fact, that guy that lost to Kansas in 2016. Anyway, he coaches at South Florida now and his team is pretty good most of the time but then this happened to them today in their 1st loss of the season. Couldn’t Be Me. Enjoy.

TCU

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. You know I had to do it to em.

Congratulations to Texas Christian University, the first team in Couldn’t Be Me history to be featured twice. You all knew this was coming.

But if you read last week you know I don’t like to pick on the easy reasons why I can’t relate to TCU. You know I don’t like low hanging fruit like the fun fact that they’re the first Big 12 team to lose to Kansas since 2016. It’s cherry picking to point out the fact that there are people old enough to legally drink their sorrows away in Fort Worth that weren’t alive the last time TCU lost to Kansas in football. It’s far too simple to point out the fact that TCU has to win 3 out of its last 4 games (Kansas State, @ West Virginia, @ Baylor, Oklahoma State) to avoid missing a bowl game for the first time since 2013. It would be lazy, low-brow journalism for me to search Twitter looking for pregame tweets from Horned Frog supporters to point and laugh at, like these:

It would be even lazier, lower-brow journalism for me to find the finest “TCU lost to Kansas” tweets I could and post them here, like these:

How would it benefit you, the reader, if I dug up this video I threw together 2 years ago for times like this?

What do I stand to gain from pointing out the fact that they could’ve easily won this game or at least tied it up if not for a butt fumble in the red zone with under 2 minutes to go?

That’s not how we get down here on the Couldn’t Be Me. I have a responsibility to go deeper than the surface! I have a responsibility to love my enemies. And to that end I have done a service for that school north of here and found things for them to be excited about from this trying weekend. Things they can look at while recovering from a loss to Kansas in Football.

Rifle

Didn’t know that was a collegiate sport but hey, it is. And TCU is apparently good at it and beat something called VMI today.

Swimming and Diving

Hey, every 4 years swimming and diving is very cool and interesting but have you ever wondered what happens those other years when you’re not looking? TCU wins stuff apparently. Look:

Equestrian

Ehhhhhhhhhhhh okay maybe not that one right now.

ANYWAY.

The point is there are other things to focus on at TCU right now besides the fact that the Horned Frogs lost to Kansas in football in the Year of our Lord 2018. And if you look hard enough, deep enough, straight in to their purple souls, you’ll see the most important thing about TCU. It’s the only thing that matters.

That’s right.

COULDN’T. BE. ME.