With all my football coaching experience I know what’s best for Baylor. Always have.
I have 3 very simple, but very important requirements for a Baylor football coach:
1. You gotta have some attitude. Some swagger. I need a coach’s fleek to be turned all the way up to one hunnid. Make me want to attempt to play for you and not mind that my leg snapped in half just getting out of the huddle. Make me want to play even though I’m in a hospital bed and it’s one of those scenes like from Remember the Titans and the white guy still wanted to play even though he was super dee duper paralyzed. Give me that.
2. I need a fun offense. I’ve seen the light and I don’t want to go back. I don’t even need a decent defense at first. Losing 70-69 is nicer than losing 42-14. Or at least give me an offense good enough to...
3. F&*# UP SOMEBODY’S SEASON! That’s right I want to ruin as many rival seasons as possible. I’m not even looking to make the College Football Playoff anymore. I just want to inflict pain. Lots of it. “Well Oklahoma looks like a playoff ready team, but that loss to Baylor on that weird Thursday night sure does damage their chances.” HAHA! Yes. This is my fetish.
What candidates meet these requirements?
Larry Fedora? U wot m8? So boring. What’s the most memorable thing about him from the last 5 years or so? A picture of his abs? C’mon. You know those won’t last in Texas.
Phil Montgomery? You want to just to live in Oklahoma and come back here like you don’t need 4-5 years minimum of Okie detox? Maybe next time.
Chad Morris? You ever met a dude named Chad that you wanted to follow into battle?
“MATT WHO DOES THAT LEAVE I NEED A COACH”
Oh. I got you a coach.
Thanks to Omagus (poster here and Omagus on Twitter) for this:
PUT EVERYBODY ON THE BUS
PUT ‘EM IN THE RIGHT SEAT
AND LET COACH T DRIVE THIS BUS HONK HONK
That’s right. Steven Godfrey wrote this awesome piece on how Coach T is driving the USF bus with great success.
Let’s look how Coach T stacks up to my requirements:
1. Attitude: Coach T is always smiling. Coach T has a personality that shines well in press conferences.
But Willie Taggart, he smiles a lot. He makes jokes during press conferences. This is a device USF’s head coach developed by watching colleagues like his mentor, Jim Harbaugh, and Nick Saban, coaches who use their weaponized public personas to send messages to their own players through the media.
2. Offense: UHHHH YEAH COACH T HAS THE OFFENSE. The piece above mentions:
South Florida can score on you, quickly, frequently, and in an infuriating manner. They’re fourth nationally in IsoPPP, Bill Connelly’s metric for explosive plays. In simpler terms, USF is 30th in FBS in plays of 10 or more yards from scrimmage, tied for seventh in plays of 20 or more, and tied for fifth in plays of 30 or more.
This year’s USF team hasn’t scored less than 30 points. THIRTY! And that 30-pt game was against a stout Temple defense.
3. Rival Ruin: HECK YEAH! UCF? Beat ‘em. Navy? Beat ‘em. Kentucky while Coach T was at Western Kentucky? You bet. Get the recruiting humming like he did at USF, and I see many a tearful eye in multiple Big XII cities.
Look, all the other coaches are great. I hope they all find great jobs or make more money at their current jobs. My only point is that they are all just extreme garbage compared to Coach Willie Taggart.
Also, he already looks great in green and gold.
Don’t settle for less. #LetCoachTDrivetheBaylorBus.
For your viewing pleasure: