FanPost

Grading Hate Mail

Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports


From time to time I get hate email in my inbox from fans who just cannot stand me and/or Baylor or whatever it may be. So I put out the call this afternoon on twitter for people to send their best fake hate mail for me to grade and I will just say, the response was ... well, it was the worst actually.

A couple of caveats here:

1. My contact form adds slashes around quotation marks and apostrophes and I'm too lazy to remove them so whatever.

2. My grading system is going to be more subjective than the College Football Playoff Committee so don't get mad.

HOW DARE YOU

Grade: B-

First of all, the sheer amount of time it must have taken to write this way makes me wonder how real life trolls are able to do it so quickly. Are their phones and/or keyboards the modern day equivalent of a warped vinyl record? Or has autocorrect figured them out and they have just gotten really good at letting whatever happens, happen? At any rate, this is a solid B minus effort because we've all seen something like this at one point or another and the argument is just on point.

you suck, tcu is awesome

Grade: B+

I have to teach you a lesson by rewarding you Gary. This was average at best until the late fourth quarter comeback with a stroke of genius in: "sent from the computer of Gary Patterson." So instead of a C, you sir, get a B+ - I'd give you an A but lol no.

I hate you

Grade: F

Thanks, Lance.

Playoff Committee Rewards Baptists for the Crusades

Grade: A

This has so many sleeves, Art Briles wouldn't even know what to do with them. A personal attack with the cranberry comment? A Mad Men reference? Getting super political and anti-religious? A tongue-in-cheek compliment to start it off? This is a man who could actually be a danger to those around him while appearing normal. And don't forget, we're getting that crusade bump, second only to the "we beat a middling Minnesota team" bump.

Last Hype Video

Grade: A+

Spoken like a truly anonymous fan of another team who obsesses over #BaylorTwitter and one who knew exactly the right things to set me off. A subtle hint to the strangeness of the #FreeTed movement after the copyright debacle of #ReadyForOU week kicked this into A+ territory

Dub step

Grade: C+

As soon as I see the word "dubstep" I tune out. I almost didn't even include this one because I just ignore it but #dubsteptears might be my new favorite hashtag and for that you are getting a mark that says you are JUST BARELY above average. Congrats to you, you must be a Longhorn.

Blaspheming American

Grade: D-

Excuse me, Total Pro Sports once called me "a true patriot" so get off my lawn.

Baylor Football

Grade: B

When your residence is clearly in Fort Worth and you are making fun of New York City then your troll-ness is blind and at this particular moment that is what I care about. Next week, I might care about wins on blue turf, or how much your assistant coach resembles my aunt, but for now I simply care about the hilarity of my supposed yankeeism. Also, for the record, my penthouse "sweet" is a ground floor unit in a walk-up next to an auto-body garage in Brooklyn. So hah!

THANKS for hating loser

Grade: I for I don't care

I asked you all to keep it PG and of course it was AggieSaurusRex who pushed that to the brink of its meaning. But you know what, college station is a living hell and therefore I can only assume he means to come visit and since he kinda seems like a crazy person, I'mma just stay right where I am.

hate

Grade: FFFFFFail

I see that you let your cat send emails, for the sake of humanity please don't let that happen again.

I HATE YOUR BEARD

Grade: Umm.

The words. I have none.

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