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A Baylor Fan's Guide to Rivalry Weekend

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Even after a second helping of mashed potatoes, Jeff Long still doesn't make any sense.

Lord help us. We're putting our outright conference hopes in this guy's hands.
Lord help us. We're putting our outright conference hopes in this guy's hands.
Peter G. Aiken-USA TODAY Sports

In case nobody has been nice enough to tell you, there is a lot of football that happens on Thanksgiving weekend. This is why I'm here to tell who you should root for and why it helps Baylor, or something like that.

TURKEY DAY

  • LSU at Texas A&M -- The LSU offense against the A&M defense is like watching a sloth run a 40 yard dash against Bengie Molina. So if you're into sick and twisted entertainment, this game is for you.
  • TCU at Texas -- Help us, Swoopies. You're our only hope.
  • Baylor v. Memphis (shootyhoops) -- Need a late night activity in case the tryptophan hasn't kicked in? Just wait for the FS1 announcer to inevitably say "something something Rico Gathers could play football" and…

THE DAY AFTER TURKEY DAY

  • Nebraska at Iowa -- YOU HAD ONE JOB NEBRASKA :(
  • Buffalo at Massachusetts -- Buffalo didn't get a chance to play last week because snow so GIVE US THAT SOS BOOST BULLS.
  • Arkansas at Missouri -- Mizzou wins the SEC East with a win, which in turn increases the chances of the SEC being shut out of the Playoff with the proper amount of other carnage. And if you need a new dartboard, I hear a portrait of Jeff Long is a perfect addition for your Black Friday shopping list!
  • Stanford at UCLA -- UCLA owes the college football gods a touchdown after the freebie they got at the end of the Holiday Bowl (49-19!!!). Might as well give it to Stanford since they seem to have an aversion to scoring points anyway.
  • Virginia at Virginia Tech -- Never forget.

THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TURKEY DAY

  • Michigan at Ohio State -- I really and truly have nothing good or nice to say about Michigan. I reserve the right to change my stance if they beat the Buckeyes.
  • Liberty at James Madison -- Liberty is on Baylor's 2016 schedule. Clearly the selection committee values teams that used to be good so this is a critically important game for Baylor's playoff hopes in 2 years.
  • South Carolina at Clemson -- I really don't care about the game itself, just pay attention to see the verbal grenades that Steve Spurrier and Dabo lob at one another and also to see what friend of the blog HAS has to say next week. Be aware that the link is SNSFFG or semi not safe for family gatherings.
  • West Virginia at Iowa State -- Letting Dana Holgorsen lose in the state of Iowa just seems like a disaster waiting to happen but Dana Horsewoman might be even worse.
  • Purdue at Indiana -- Root for Purdue in this game just for the hilarity of the SEC East champion (Missouri) getting beat in non-conference by an 0-8 B1G team. Indiana is one loss away from our dreams coming true.
  • Idaho at Appalachian State -- THIS IS A CONFERENCE GAME HAHAHAHAHAHA
  • Florida at Florida State -- I know just the thing to cure #FSUDevilMagic and its a final, fatal dose of Will Muschamp. I mean, Florida State is gonna lose at some point right?
  • Mississippi State at Ole Miss -- This one is called the Egg Bowl probably because the state of Mississippi smells like a musty IHOP or something. Unless Auburn knocks off Alabama, this will be Mississippi State's last opportunity to pick up a loss so you better be extremely anti-clanga.
  • Minnesota at Wisconsin -- This ought to last you til Saturday.
  • Rutgers at Maryland -- What are a Big East and ACC team doing playing on rivalry weekend anyway?
  • Auburn at Alabama -- Direct message from Gus Malzahn to Nick Saban: TRY THE FIELD GOAL PLAY I'VE HEARD IT WORKS PRETTY GOOD AND STUFF.
  • Oregon at Oregon State -- As you can see below, Drake appears to be an Oregon fan (of course he is). You don't want to be like Drake so don't root for Oregon.