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Lawyers Everywhere To Build a Shrine to Charlie Weis' Agent, the GOAT.

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I know that Kansas people think I'm piling on at this point (primarily because I received an email a few minutes ago from a Kansas fan that asked me to stop piling on), but I want you to know that I'm not saying anything negative about you as fans when I make fun of Charlie Weis. Having Weis around as your coach isn't necessarily a negative about your fanbase and doesn't mean that you are not all special little snowflakes. It shouldn't even really say anything about your university as a whole that your administration managed to fail so spectacularly in its coaching search that you hired an overrated retread with almost no chance of success at your school. Believe me when I tell you that it isn't your fault. It's not your fault, Kansas fans. Get in here for a hug. It's not your fault.

That being said, this story just got a whole lot worse for you if the reports are true that you have to pay Charlie Weis $12.5 million guaranteed as long as he isn't fired for cause. Let's say he goes 0-12 next season and loses every game by 60 points but doesn't violate any of the listed terms constituting just cause for his termination. You just paid $2.5 million for that season and will still owe $10 million more whether you decide to fire or keep him.

WOW. That's more than double the guaranteed amount you gave Turner Gil, which was $6 million. You could hypothetically end up paying $18.5 million in the next five years to two coaches who don't even work for you anymore (assuming Weis was fired).

Charlie Weis has the best agent on Earth. He gets to take over a job where there is almost nowhere to go but up, do as little as he chooses to do since there are basically no expectations, and get paid $12.5 million no matter what as long as he avoids sexually harassing someone or lighting the buildings on fire (among other things). He might even be able to get away with arson if he could cover his tracks well enough. We can't assume at this point that Weis is not a skilled arsonist.

Let's look at a few other things from that article in Weis' contract:

  • Weis gets $2.1 million in a budget for assistant coaches. That's $4.6 million Kansas is going to be paying per year for their entire football coaching staff.
  • 5 Big XII wins in a given season nets him $50k with $10k for each additional win. Shouldn't be a problem for Kansas to save money here.
  • Win the Big XII, get $100k. Might as well have put $100 million. That's not happening. Same for the BCS appear provision, which gives Weis $100k. A BCS win gives him another $50k on top of that.
  • Bowl game = $100k. Bowl win = an extra $50k. It's sad that you have to incentivize winning bowl games, but I assume that's standard practice.
  • Finally, his contract requires KU to charter planes for his wife and daughter, who has special needs, to fly from their home in Florida to every game if they so choose. They are not relocating to Lawrence with Weis.

Chartered planes aren't cheap, and neither is Charlie Weis. I was curious why he would take this job when it was first announced and just assumed it was because of the money. Everybody loves money. I never though, even after hearing how much they were going to pay him, that the contract would be fully guaranteed. He could show up without pants on every day and try to get himself fired and still get $12.5 million. TWELVE POINT FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. GUARANTEED. I need to study at the feet of this agent. Learn his ways. He has so much to teach us. I think getting Charlie Weis $12.5 million might be more impressive than anything Scott Boras has ever done. At least everyone knew that Alex Rodriguez was really, really good in 2001.