Have you ever wondered how your fan post didn’t reach “recommended” status when others did? Here are some surefire tips to help your next fan post rise from “most recent” to the ranks of the elite.
First, avoid beating the dead horse unless you’ve come up with a truly ingenious way to make that horse look alive while you are doing it. An example of a truly rotting dead horse might be the topic of whether Art Briles leaves Baylor for Texas. A unique approach would be to consider whether or not Texas would like to become a satellite university of Baylor. In that manner, Texas would be the beneficiary of guidance and direction from both Ian and Art while allowing both gentlemen to retain their current positions of greatness. Choosing a topic in such a manner will increase your effectiveness in reaching “recommended” status. However, if you mention Art Briles you’ve got to blow the trumpets and herald The Great Coach Art Briles as the greatest conqueror since Alexander the Great or perhaps even since the Great Grant Teaff, since its all so true, alive and deserving of attention.
Also, you’ve got to demonstrate the ability to bring the mighty power of the statistical machines built by ESPN and STATS to life with new comparisons to statistical oddities that go unparalleled way back to the first half of the 20th century. An example might be that no team other than this year’s Baylor team has scored more than 70 points in three games in a row since Tiny Tim said for the trillionth time “God bless us every one.”
You’ve got to use words that play on the fans’ superstitions. Use magical words like Triscuit voodoo or Snyder wizardry, which work to heighten your readers’ senses, drawing them deeper into the folds of your imagination. You’ve got to take your readers on that sentimental journey through the days of yore when Baylor was known as the farm club to Super Bowl champions, past the perilous dark days of Big XII underdogdum, and then into the emerging light of conference contendership. You have got to mention Lache Seastrunk and Heisman in the same sentence. Example: “I’m glad to see that Baylor has so much varied talent. It helps a team to compensate for any one player’s off days such as the Kansas State game where we saw that even Lache Seastrunk has his lows and highs, man.”
You have got to take your readers on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Attack their fears with exclamations such as: “Man, that game sucked. I hope we find out what the problem was and get that crap fixed.” And then alleviate those fears with kind and gentle words of inspiration and encouragement in a manner like this: “The bright side is that we play Iowa State at home next week during homecoming. This schedule really is a boon, giving us a winning chance to fully discover our strengths and weaknesses as we step up in the level of competition we must play.”
Last, you’ve got to drill home the point that we can be slowed but you can never stop us. That we will fight in our back yard or yours, on the beaches or in the streets, for that last hard fought, blood drenched, fourth down yard and burst across the line of victory into the history books as one of the greatest and sexiest college football teams ever to grace the gridiron or perhaps the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Follow these guidelines and you too can have a successful fan post. Also, it helps if either Mark C. Moore, Mark Seymour, or Aqua (ODB’s sinister trinity of all stars) makes the first comment to the post saying: “Recommend this post. The post, (dummies,) not the comment.”